Shut the fuck up, you guys.

Question 1: Mid-Battle Conversations You and a teammate are in the middle of an intense battle. You decide you don't have enough to do while dodging lasers and flinging boomerangs at villains, so you start a conversation. What do you talk about? A: An annoyingly in-depth explanation of your powers followed by a description of your actions regardless of how obvious they are. "I'll clear the way with my atomic vision before I use my titanic strength to smash the door open!" Quickly click the button near the "A" to select this choice using your fantastic mouse if it's what you have used your titanic mind to decide upon as your selection! B: Nothing specific. Just chit chat. "It's a pretty nice day huh?" "Yep. Too bad we have to spend it in this gun fight." "Yeah. Hey, nice tights." "These? I just put on whatever was clean." C: Psychoanazlyze yourself and discuss the media's glorification of violence through the use of aggressive characters modeled after Freudien concepts of phallic association. It really doesn't matter how much education you have going into this, you're going to look like an idiot either way. D: Anecdotal tales of your experiences as a thief in Cairo. And how they relate to what you're doing now. For example, "After this battle let's go eat because growing up a thief in Cairo I experienced many meals." E: "Can't. Talk. *POW!* Now. Busy. *SK-WHAK!* With. The. Bad. *KA-THOOM!* Guys, WHAK! asshole." F: Maybe you've never talked to a super hero, but I have. And trust me, if you can avoid it, you will. G: Tell stories about the things your fluffy kitty likes to hide in. But I'm afraid you will have listen from the acid filled alligator pit, Mr. Bond! Other. Please describe:

Question 2: Makeshift Weaponry You are unexpectedly attacked by an opponent much stronger than you. Realizing your favorite devices and gadgets are back at your base, you find a makeshift weapon to use. What is it? A: A stop sign or other piece of public property. Nearby fat people count in this category unless over 700 pounds. In that case see option "E." B: Duh -- Hostess Fruit Pies. Light tender crust. Real fruit filling. The delicous taste even a villain like you can't resist. C: High voltage wires or cables. You'll find that it's really unusual to be having a fight more than a block or two from a volatile power plant. D: Some sort of nullfying hyper beam gun you throw together using what you learned in high school physics and MacGuyver episodes. E: An uprooted tree, hot dog cart, or other large object. It doesn't matter as long as it's impractical and easy to dodge. F: Somebody standing too close to you. Ninjas are usually the best choice since they're everywhere, but don't pass up construction workers or football players with their hard armored heads. Girls in skirts make good weapons too. They don't hurt very much, but you get to see panties while you swing them. So I guess the best choice would be the construction worker village person -- hard head and panties. He's also good because you don't want to do this move with someone you like. If you do it right, they're going to be a big mess afterwards. G: Throw them off a cliff and make a comment like, "That's the last we'll see of them!" Act surprised when you see them the next day. H: Cause a complete protonic reversal by using an untested theory of particle acceler* Ah! No time to discuss it! Cross the streams! We got the tools and we got the talent! Other. Please describe:

Question 3: Dealing With Hysterical Females One of the females from your team has just become hysterical and claims to have seen a monster or something that was too hideous to describe and to look upon it is to go mad with fear. Your surveilance cameras show nothing out of the ordinary, and nothing has triggered any security alarms. What do you do? A: Dismiss her claims and tell her to go away. "Psh! Must be one of those 'girl things.'" B: Make sarcastic jokes. "Oh sure. I'll just go get EVERYBODY so we can go fight your MONNNSTERRR. Is it shaped like an idiot girl's delusions?" After this, laugh at her and point even though last time this happened, your base was destroyed by a monster who walked in while you were busy making fun of the person who told you about it. C: Not applicable. "Chicks aren't allowed on my team, pussy." D: Nod and calmly say, "I see." Then turn your back to her and grin while you whisper, "Very good. It didn't show up on the camera. My creature's cloaking device works perfectly. These fools are falling right into my trap." E: Put on a macho show of fearlessness and announce, "I believe you, Lady Ass Turtle! I'll go take a look!" Be sure to take no useful items or allies. F: Before she can even finish her description, leap over and hit the button to place your entire base on full alert. Grab every possible weapon or gadget you can find, and begin sweeping the base with special teams formed for maximum safety and efficiency. G: Grab her by the shoulders and shake her vigorously. "Get ahold of yourself, bitch!" Slap her until your palm hurts. H: Calm her down with a soothing voice. After getting a description of the monster's location, send the weakest member of your team out alone and unarmed to check it out. Work your hand into her bra while she's hysterical if you can. Other. Please describe:

Question 4: Battle Cries As you charge into battle, you intimidate your opponents by releasing your well rehearsed battle cry. What is it? A: Screaming a description of all your moves in Japanese even if it takes 20 or 30 times longer than the actual move. B: "BIIIIIIIRRRRRRDDDDDD MAAAAAANNNNNN!!!!" C: "Smash!" or any other mono-syllabic snarl that makes spit fly out of your mouth. Example: "Rahhr!" You can have more than one syllable as long as it's a sound you can't really spell. D: An explanation for the motivation of your attack with every strike. "This is for Jimmy! This is for Carl Weathers! And this... IS FOR AMERICAAAA!! " E: Something nonsensical like, "Spoon," or "Ass." Because it's funny to be an idiot! Oops! Who put that banana peel there? F: "Bah! What doth the son of Odin need with such drivel! My mighty uru mallet, Mjolnir speaketh enough for us both, bitch! Can thou dig it?" G: Anything that ends with "you whore." Like "It's clobberin' time, you whore!" or "It's good to see you, mother, you whore!" H: "Now I show you some trick or two!" Other. Please describe:

Question 5: Giant Monsters You and your team just came across one or more giant monsters. They are busy destroying the city you call home and eating its citizens. What is your reaction? A: Screaming your catch phrase of exclamation like "Mericful Minerva!" or "Oh my stars and garters!" before coming up with an elaborate plan where you basically tie his feet together, trip him, and hope that kills him. B: Giving some memorable words and blindly attacking with the intention of dying gloriously in battle. If God wanted you to live he wouldn't have made giant deadly monsters. C: Silently gawk in marvel and spendor. No matter how many giant monsters you saw this afternoon, you can't help being embarrassingly amazed at each and every one of them. D: "Holy King Kong's cousin, Batman! That monster sure looks like he means business!" E: Feed it the fat guy on your team to try to make friends with it. F: Jesus. Just call Godzilla and Godzookie on the little Godzilla walkie talkie like you did yesterday, idiot. They're never more than a couple feet away anyway. Other. Please describe:

Question 6: Real World Applications If you were Superman, what would be the most common applications of your super powers when you weren't fighting the forces of evil and righting all that is wrong? A: Looking at Clark Kent's co-workers naked, of course. B: Eat lava just because you could. Do it in front of your friends and tell them it's glow in the dark candy. The stupid ones will try it too and light on fire. C: Crush coal into diamonds until you have enough to build the world's most rad to the max water slide park. D: Fight Richard Pryor. Not the one in the wheelchair who taught us how to laugh, the evil one that did the computer fraud stuff. E: Flying into people's windows, making faces and screaming, "Blggghbggblggh!" Save the world my ass, I'm going to use my powers to make people pee. F: Not applicable. "My constant crusade for truth and justice offers me little time for recreation!" *Whoosh!* G: Redecorate the Fortress of Solitude. Maybe put a plant over there, and a lamp to bring more light into the reading area. Giggle! Oh, this looks as super as my cape! Other. Please describe:

Question 7: Sidekicks As a super hero, you should always have a sidekick. Their job is mostly to get into trouble, but if you're ever tied up by a wicked mutant, it's their duty to find some resourcefulness deep within themselves and free you from the clutches of the madman. They're also the target of all the moral messages you want to give at the end of your adventure. What is your sidekick going to be? A: The severed head of a store mannequin. B: A little boy in underwear. C: Space Monkey. D: A cute floating robot with fun lights that communicates to you through clicks and beeps. "Oh! You bumped into a wall again, Mr. Robot! You are my best friend." E: A pet in a cape. F: Gilligan and/or magic beads. G: A rabid midget on a leash you dressed up in yarn and wallpaper. Other. Please describe:

Question 8: Finding Your Niche You are Mockingbird. You have two sticks that snap together, a semester of gymnastics, and no powers. For some reason, you are considering the life of a super hero. What do you do? A: Join the Avengers to fight alongside the Earth's Mightiest Heroes like Thor, Iron Man, She-Hulk, a bunch of Greek deities, and just in case you thought you had a gimmick, Captain America and Hawkeye, who also have no powers but are better in every way. B: Find a city with no super heroes and run around at night trying to find any muggers or escaped zoo animals to fight. C: Search the want ads for jobs as a waitress, lap dancer, or children's gymnastics coach. D: Form a plan to take over the world since, obviously, all of these costumed buffoons are no match for you. E: Suicide. Please -- suicide. Other. Please describe:

Question 9: Dealing with Injuries As a super hero, you get hurt on the job a lot. Let's say that during your battle with Bonk: The Deadly Enforcer, you take a nasty hit to the gut that at the very least broke some ribs. What is your reaction? A: Grimace and barely acknowledge your girlie little injury. Broken rib? Last night I cut off a foot just to see if it would fit up my ass. Pain is my lover. B: Squeal and quiver in a fetal position while you pray for death. Just like in dodgeball, pussy. C: Give a short speech estimating how long it will take your mutant healing factor to fix it. D: Comment, "Not another broken rib!*" next to a little box that says, ["*His last broken rib happened after falling into a giant creature's nose in Issue #33." - Research Retard Randy.] Other. Please describe:

Hawkeye, the tactical genius, gets zapped by someone's blind grandma. Handicapped people can do anything!

Question 10: Battling the Handicapped and/or the Elderly You have somehow found yourself in a face off with the elderly blind old psychic super-villain, Destiny. She's holding a gun and you have a bow and arrow. Do you: A: Mask your location and confuse her by throwing rocks at the ground around her. Do your best not to laugh, but we understand how hard this is going to be. B: Let her win. People hate when you pick on the handicapped, asshole. C: Try to explain to her how dangerous this line of work is as you split her face open with an adamantium-tipped electro shock arrow. Sometimes it takes the violent death of one senior citizen to let the other ones know how dangerous it is to cover their face in plastic and pick fights with people holding deadly weapons. D: Laugh uncontrollably until she starts blindly shooting at you. Laugh harder. E: Silently jam stuff into the front of her gun so when she fires it, it blows her hand off. Then take her prisoner and force her to predict the outcome of horse races for you while she makes doilies. Bonus: select a common word every day as the "secret word." Smack her in the head whenever someone says it. F: This question is so stupid. The second I find myself in the least bit compromised by a blind old lady is the second I swallow the acid arrow and watch my life bleed out a hole in my throat. Other. Please describe:

He's facing four of the most highly trained and powerful mutants on the planet, and the Kingpin's power is being fat. Not that obesity isn't powerful, I mean if you're at summer camp and need someone to win the hot dog eating or belching contest, you definitely want a fat guy on your team. Also, if you need to make the sensor rope at the gas station ding -- fat guy. But you don't take him with you when you're fighting the X-Men.

Question 11: Drawing the Lines Between Stupidity, Bravery, and Arrogance Your plans have fallen apart. You no longer have any sort of control over your situation, and soon it will degenerate into a fight. The odds are ridiculously against you, and even if Door Man and Mr. Fish joined your side, you wouldn't have a chance. Your enemies outnumber and outpower you, and they are all standing right in front of you. Do you: A: Duck into a hidden compartment where you scream at yourself, "Think, God damn it, think!" Emerging later with a brilliant plan is encouraged, but not quite as funny as coming out and just apologizing. B: Arrogantly threaten the impudent children, and make reference to some sort of ultra destruct device or other type of back up plan, especially if you don't actually have one. C: Use Death Blossom. D: Hh. Not applicable. My plans never fall apart. I'm Batman. E: Attack! You can beat me, but you'll never get me to quit! I'm too crazy and stupid to know when to give up! F: Surrender, but only for now! Doom never truly loses! Other. Please describe:

He's an almost mindless killing machine, but Doomsday knows that slamming Booster Gold's puny goggle head in a car door is a lot cooler than punching him even though it takes longer to do and hurts a lot less.

Question 12: Fighting With Style Any idiot can punch someone. It takes style and finesse to be a real super hero/villain. When you are facing opponents, you sometimes need to sacrifice efficiency for aesthetics and coolness. What do you use? A: Witty banter or other types of verbal abuse. Note: making funny faces falls into this category. So do obscene gestures involving your naked ass. And I don't care how much Spider-Man does it, it is not considered witty if you just ad an "ie" on to the end of everyone's name. B: A big fish. C: Some sort of blunt object followed by a bad pun regarding that object. Example: Hit them with a dumpster and say, "Time to take out the trash!" or "This is why you should recycle, punk!" D: Gimmicky weapons you've designed to fit your theme or decor. For example, if you are The Muppet Master, you would throw little bombs shaped like puppies and hit people with a fuzzy bat you call the "Bonk Stick." If you're a fish, you should have answered the more specialized answer B. E: Trick your opponents into beating each other up by doing things like standing in the middle of them, waiting for them to charge, and getting out of the way. This also works at the edge of a cliff or in front of electrical equipment that explodes when you run into it. F: Regress into an insane uncontrollable berserker rage and dive into the mass of bad guys. If you do this right, you'll puke up fingers for most of the rest of the week. G: Instead of just shooting the bad guy with your gun or eyebeams, shoot a chandelier down onto their head. This might seem like it would hardly ever work, but super villains almost always position themselves under chandeliers. Kind of like how hobos always pick your car to shit in. H: Fuck that. I'm saving the world from evil, not playing tag. If you're a barbarian or a deity, you can word that like, "Bah! A true warrior plays no games! I need not provide entertainment such a fool as you!" Other. Please describe:

Dumb. Ass. open more in new window

Question 13: Shape Changers You're in a fight against a group of super villains, and one of them is a shape-changer. Suddenly, your dead girlfriend shows up in her underwear. Do you: A: Ignore her. It's possible that your girlfriend climbed out of her grave, changed into her panties, and got on a plane to see you during a fight, but it's probably the shape-changer, genius. B: Forget about everybody you're fighting and run up for a whimpering hug. Scream "Oh my god! I thought you were dead! Oh please let this be real! Lord baby Jesus anything that feels this right can't be wrong!" C: Drop everything and stare. Whisper, "No.... this can't be real. You... You're DEAD! How can THIS BEEE??!?" Turn your back to the giant rock monster swinging a tree at you and do anything your dead girlfriend tells you to no matter how stupid or self-destructive it may seem. She's your reanimated zombie lover and she knows what's best for you. D: Have sex with her. Yeah, duh -- it's the shape-changing villain, but you can't beat all these bad guys anyway. You might as well stick your cock in one of them before they kill you. And can you think of a better way to do it? E: Tear her head off. Even if it is your girlfriend-come-back-to-life, you already dealt with that loss before. You can do it again. At least this time you can remember to get the head stuffed to keep your hairpieces on. Besides, it's her own idiot fault for showing up then. Any polite dead girlfriend would probably wait until after the atomic laser battle to hop in front of you with no pants on. F: Make up a story to make yourself look good. Say, "Oh, hey Betty. I thought you were dead. You remember that time you couldn't fit my whole penis in your mouth so you called over your 4 girlfriends to help you and you all couldn't walk the next day? That was almost as fun as the time we started that orgy on the cheerleader bus." If you're good enough at this, she might stay in the form a little bit longer to hear more about your sex life. And anything that lengthens the time you see a hot chick in her underwear is a victory. That's why the inventor of the slow motion button is on our money. Other. Please describe:

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Question 14: The Insult That Made a Man Out of Mac At the beach, a muscle-bound creep has been kicking sand on you and your girlfriend. She starts to doubt your relationship mostly because women secretly lust after men who kick sand on smaller men. (Editor's note: Hey ladies. I carry a bag of sand with me so I can kick sand on wimps even when we're not at the beach. And I have a 13 inch tongue. Rowrrr.) How do you solve this problem? A: Call your girlfriend horrible insulting names as she leaves you for him. Try to get so personal the bully might start to have second thoughts. Something like, "I hope that rash you have on your vagina gets even worse!" B: The Charles Atlas way: Stay up all night lifting weights so you can kick the shit out of him tomorrow. C: Perform crafty pranks on the creepy bully like putting liquid heat on his speedos, tying his shoelaces together, or fucking his mom. D: Jump on his back as he struts away and wrap razor wire around his neck until he gurgles blood bubbles out of his mouth and becomes cannibalized during your ravenous bloodthirsty feeding frenzy. Spit whatever gore you can on your ex-girlfriend as she runs away, and howl, "YOU'RE NEXT, BIIIITTTCCHHHH!!!!" E: Barely acknowledge him while you slowly massage your girlfriend's breasts and sexily lick your lips at anyone who looks at you. Ooh, let me get that sand out of your bikini, baby. F: Not applicable. My Dazzler comic books have been the closest thing I've ever had to a real girlfriend. It kind of makes me sad when you bring relationships up. G: Tell no one of the event, so when he dies in a fatal accident two years from now, there is no motive trail that leads back to you. H: Who cares? I like sand, and why would I want to impress my nasty girlfriend? Did you see the size of her thighs? She looks like a damn man in a wig. Other. Please describe:

(above) The Flash uses his superspeed to vibrate the brain out of Amazo's head. And since he can run at 186,000 miles per second, he could eliminate our planet's population in about 45 minutes any time he wants. (below) The Whizzer runs really fast, but it takes him a fucking week to finish a sentence.

Question 15: Exotic Applications of Your Super Powers Most super powers have infinite amounts of applications. With a little creative thinking, you can defy the laws of physics however you want. Let's say your power is superspeed; what do you do to stop the villain? A: Run around your opponent really fast to create a useless cyclone. Keep doing this until they decide to stick an arm out to trip you. B: Wave your arms around to create strange visual effects, break all known laws of physics, and think outloud, "Never tried this before! Hope it works!" Then give an ambiguous speech describing what you're doing. Be sure to include the word, "molecules" as many times as possible. For example, "This should speed up the molecules enough to free the molecules that are holding the evil feelings inside their mind! Yes! It's working! I can feel the molecules in their mind returning to the side of good!" C: Run half way around the world to get some sort of necessary super device to stop them. When you return seconds later, you should not only have the mega thing, but also some items to make it look like you were taking a vacation. Like a New York bagel, a t-shirt that says, "My parents fucked a potato in Ireland and All I got was this faggy t-shirt" Japanese kamikaze pilot goggles, and a couple STDs you got from Taiwanese street children. D: Force yourself to stand still long enough to get hit, or keep running in a straight path even when they throw things in front of you. E: Iwouldjusttakethatfuckeroutman! F: Use your ability to speak at incredible speeds to sing an Alvin and the Chipmunks song while using your supersonic speed powers to do the coolest robot dance ever. G: Wait for them to blink. Then take off their pants and put them on their head. Next time they blink, make sure they're standing in your pee by the time their eyes open. H: It doesn't really matter. If I fuck up, I'll just run around the world really fast, go back in time, and fix everything. Other. Please describe:

Jesus, Aunt Anna. No one was in pain. Have you ever heard of sex? When there's a married couple in the room panting and moaning, you don't barge in assuming someone's in pain. Especially when the guy wears a pink robe over a Spider-Man costume. Someone your age could go blind walking in on kinky shit like that.

Question 16: Maintaining Your Secret Identity As a hero, it is necessary to at least try to maintain a secret identity. Even though it only takes one telepath or good smeller to find you out, it's traditional that you have some sort of unexciting job you can do when you're not fighting evil. For this question, you're Spider-Man and your identity is almost compromised daily by nosy Aunt Anna who is continuously interrupting your secret hero experiments without knocking to bring you unsolicited granola bars and milk. What do you do? A: Let the bitch know that you're old enough to get your own fucking cookies, and you're tired of her barging into your room while you and Mary Jane are in bed together. Maybe feel ashamed when her feelings are hurt and she runs into traffic. You see, bringing delicious cookies... is all she had left. B: Use your spider strength to break her clueless back over your knee. Jam her damn cookies into her dead open mouth, and good riddance. Sorry, Mary Jane. I killed your aunt. "Thanks, tiger! Now come hit the jackpot!" C: Try to rationally explain to her the etiquette of knocking on someone's door that everyone else in society seemed to pick up on at the age of four. D: Try to subtly teach her this same etiquette by being naked and covered in human blood everytime she opens your door. Look at her like you're going to kill her and say something totally evil like, "I can see your soul, and it makes you look fat, bitch." Then roll your eyes back in your head and chant in Latin. E: Assume she's some sort of spy for J. Jonah Jameson and Norman Osborn out to prove you're Spider Man. Start leaving her red herrings. Not false clues. Fish. Blame the smell on Mary Jane. F: Have a characteristic fit of self doubt and realize that if some 90 year old lady can find your costume so easily, maybe you're not hiding your secret identity very well. "Some hero I am." G: Electrify the door knob and try to teach her manners through negative reinforcement. Note: this method may require adult undergarments. H: All that barging in... no one can be that rude. She has to be either a government agent or just a dirty old lady trying to barge in on a naked young couple. Either way, you should torture her slowly to death and disbelieve anything she says. I: Get your own apartment, Peter. You are about thirty, loser. Other. Please describe:

If you can remember to keep throwing civilians off of buildings, you can fight Spider Man 20 times a day and never get caught.

Question 17: Deciding Between Preventative or Reactionary Crime Fighting You have finally caught up to the evil Crime Monkey at the top of a building, and are about to beat the hell out of him with your superior powers and combat abilities. Before you can get close enough to do this, he grabs a woman from a nearby Japanese tour bus, and throws her off the roof. What do you do? A: Let her splat. I hate people that can't fly, and I was thinking about pushing her off anyway. B: "Round one goes to you, villain, for I must save the plummeting victim! I was given these powers to save lives! With great power comes great blah blah I'm a queen blah blah" C: Shove the whole tour bus off and say, "Your move, punk." D: Watch them fall for a few stories and comment, "Ah, they'll be okay." Share a laugh with the villain. E: Hold the villain up by their neck and tell them, "Nice try. I knew she was a robot the whole time, bub. Didn't smell right." This is even cooler if the woman is not actually a robot. F: Wait. What is a bus doing on top of this roof. Ask the villain about that. Maybe make a funny joke about how Japanese people are always taking pictures. G: Spend so much time trying to decide what to do that she dies and the villain gets away. Awkwardly smile at the remaining civilians and sneak away. H: Immediately dive off the roof after her screaming "Oh, man! What am I doing? What am I doing?" until you remember you can fly or you have web thwippers or a bat grappel or something. Then, of course, triumphantly save her and modestly explain that you were just doing your job. Forget the fact that you left a busload of helpless tourists alone with a homicidal maniac and you're busy communicating with nervous hand gestures to a woman who speaks no English. I: Throw a life preserver after her and scream some encouraging words. Think to yourself, "This would be a lot funnier if she wasn't going to die." Other. Please describe:

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