We know the literature of the Catholics; everyone's read The Bible, How to Torture Suspected Pagans, and Whispers of the Night Stallion. But few people have studied the doctrines of Geri, the girl-powered singer the church has picked a fight with. Shown here are pages 18 and 19 of the philosophizing Unofficial Ginger Spice In My Pocket book, 1997 Macmillian Publishers Ltd., Printed in Singapore.

Geri Halwell, the artist formerly known as Ginger Spice, recently was attacked by the Roman Catholic Church for promoting contraceptives in the Phillipines (84% Catholic/100% Woman). Geri, who has the best tits in the U.N., travelled there as a goodwill ambassador and met with high school students. "Wouldn't it be great if sex education was this well accepted all over the world?" she said while the uninhibited groping hands of Manila's youth taught lessons of love to participants and onlookers alike. Catholics, who are still trying to breed their way into some kind of unspoken population record book, are against non-rhythm birth control of any type. Of course, they also think there's a robed man on a cloud that gives a fuck when they stop eating pizza for 40 days of Lent. Monsignor Pedro Quitorio, spokesman for the Catholic Bishops' Conference of the Philippines, not only has the most wordy title for child molestor ever, but Touretted out this wisdom: "[Sending Geri Halwell to the Phillipines is like] sending Salman Rushdie as an ambassador of goodwill to a Muslim country." And following the example of that fucking out of control simile- comparing a Spice Girl in favor of planned parenthood to Salman Rushdie is like shooting a Backstreet Boy for having good dental hygiene. Both are completely overboard and encourage the growth of bacteria (whether it's gum disease or unplanned Catholic babies). That entire thing was the worst misuse of the English language since my volleyball coach casually told us to shag (retrieve) the balls. We found the New Zealand player in the corner wearing only a volleyball and a confused look. If you have the choices of teen pregnancy or having Ginger Spice hand you a condom, you better have a god damn doctor's note if you pick the first one.

Not just people with cinematic taste were offended by the new Star Wars movie. According to miraculously talking statues of the virgin Mary and one church publication, "The Phantom Menace parodies the Holy Scriptures and promotes a New Age culture that Catholics should oppose." Over 80 percent of Mexican Catholics did their best to follow this advice and threw away their New Age laser blasters and glowing flashlight weapons. God gave them His nod of approval by blessing one religious leader with a shiny new flat bed truck. After a short prayer of thanks, 40 men piled into it and drove off to pick strawberries. The church's greatest concern was the movie's own version of a virgin birth, claiming the idea is a clear copyright infringement as Catholicism had trademarked accidental pregnancy long before they were even lighting witches on fire. Along with $20,000,000 in damages, Catholics demand Lucasfilm Ltd. make four feature length Hail Mary films. George Lucas, now forced to live in an orbital satellite to avoid outraged ethnic groups, could not be reached for retaliatory comments. Rumors are circulating that his film Stations of the Force, a film describing the crucifiction of a space hippie who is saved by a homosexual tapdancer and a Korean dog chef, may be cancelled. And since George is such a pussy, I'd like to ask all readers to go out and punch a minoritied person. "We are sensitive to the Mexican Catholic church's concerns, but Stars Wars: Episode I The Phantom Menace is not about religion," says Lynne Hale, a spokeswoman for Star Wars. Unlike Lynne, I have no such sensitivity, and think the concerned offendees should go back to their crucifixes and tacos looking for images of Jesus on the side of the fucking 7-11. We don't care if you didn't like Star Wars, nobody here did either. This year, why don't you give up being a crybaby for Lent?

Mexican Catholics took a break from their breeding to become outraged at the Star Wars character Joospick Slandarr from the Frijole System (above). A Mexican priest barely managed to speak this through his tears, "His sombrero was offensive enough, but if you look carefully in two scenes, he is eating what looks very much like a burrito! Joospick's skin is also blue - the color tourists' poo turns into after eating our proud country's poorly preserved food."* *translated from a combination of Spanish and Wuss

Too busy to find a proper hate group (the highway's clean enough, KKK assholes. Now get back to burning some god damn crosses), minorities have had to search for oppression in Star Wars. And because I've always loved to help the terminally retarded with my candystriping work down at the Home for Stupid Fucks who Only Wish People Hated Them, I've done some extra detective interpretation for the people who missed out on being metaphorically oppressed in children's movies. Boss Nass, the fat frog king of the negro creatures that step in shit (above left), had a hilarious idiosyncrasy of firing spit out of his slapping cheeks. This was not only an insult to pork-filled fat people, but to people with diarrhea. As you may have seen, Willow peeked his head up from Jabba the Hutt's lap during the confusing series of flying trash cans they called the Pod Race. According to my Sensitive Cunt Guidebook, all midget appearances in films are automaticly offensive to little people unless they are holding a lollipop or a magic acorn. And nazi corpse fucker George Lucas' film, Anakin Skywalker starts life as a lovable podracer owned by a floating Jew. After being corrupted by "the Dark Side" he chokes people, cuts off his incestual kid's hand, and dresses like a seven foot penis. So Star Wars is basically telling us that all white kids are inherently NASCAR racers before being corrupted by black culture. And after that, the only thing that can prevent the eventual transformation into a giant black dildo is the wisdom of a puppet.

Graphic proof of George Lucas' clear and flagrant insult towards whites. The white community is "very concerned and disappointed that Star Wars will turn our children into black cocks," says a spokesman for the race.

More interpretive license from Christians can be found back on my Stupid Page called "CROTCH LICKING ON THE SMALL SPECIALIZED EDUCATION BUS" by the Washington Times.