El Dorado vs. Dollmaster
Video (2:22)

El Dorado vs. Toy Robots
Video (1:06)

El Dorado vs. Monster
Video (0:31)

El Dorado vs. Super Friends
Video (1:02)
El Dorado was made up for the show during the affirmative action year, so they were more worried about making him really really Mexican than they ever were about making his powers clear. Sometimes he could read minds or shoot eye lasers, and other times he could make illusions which may or may not be able to do anything other than look ridiculous. The one power he always loved using was teleportation. By wrapping his cape around himself, he could cover himself in twinkles, disappear, and reappear somewhere else in about the same amount of time it would take to push a piano there and take a short nap. He didn't care if it was slower than walking as long as it destroyed every last bit of his self respect.

And like all the other foreign superheroes who made up their powers as they went along, his name didn't mean anything. El Dorado was a city made out of gold, and I agree that it sounds all Mexican... in the same way naming your kid Kansas City makes him sound all American. Do you know any one who named their kid Kansas City? Neither do I. That means that out of all the people we know, the guy who wrote the Super Friends is stupider than each and every one of them.

To make up for his gay powers, El Dorado didn't speak English very well. But not in the same way normal people do. He did fine with complex words and phrases, but every time he got to a word that a moron might have learned in their first week of Spanish class, he slipped into his native tongue. It could be that in his extensive lignuistic studies El Dorado forgot to learn our word for "yes," or it could be that his dialogue was written by morons in their first week of Spanish class. Either way, it helped teach children about new cultures and immediately associate those new cultures with the magnificently idiotic. So if two white kids were trying to decide how racist to be, they could watch the Super Friends and say, "less than this."

To kick the dead horse of El Dorado's broken English, I'm going to use an example from the time I achieved the dream of everyone who watched movies in the seventies-- meeting Dolemite. I speak a moderate amount of English for an uneducated, mildly retarded man and I said, "Hi, Dolemite. It's a real honor to meet such a bad motherfucker." Now if I was to be the same me, but of different nationality, it would have come out in standard broken English like this: "Hello friend yes. I... injured to ah how you say meat you. Excite is me mr. big cheese number-one." In the specialized Super Friend El Dorado broken English, I would have said, "Hola, Amigo! Yo am very exhilirated para make your aquaintance. Burrito!" I can guarantee you that if that was what I actually said to Dolemite, the insides of my rat soup eating ass would still be filled with his foot.

Continue to El Dorado Part 2 ->