It's a pretty common assumption that Batman and Robin were lovers, but Batman at least tried to hide it. He put a little belt on Robin so it looked like he was a fellow crime fighter, not just some kid he puts his tongue in when there's no evil to punch. Kids watching the show could defend him. They could tell their parents, "No, look. Robin has his own crime belt. I told you he wasn't his boyfriend." Green Lantern wasn't so clever. Kairo had nothing that indicated he should be fighting for justice, and spent most of his time with his crotch firmly pressed against Green Lantern's ass. While we're talking about it, I don't think Aquaman and Aqualad were romantic, but only because it's impossible to imagine Aquaman getting laid by anyone.
Green Lantern's sidekick was the coolest. The cartoon called him "Hal Jordan's Venutian helper." He was a little boy from Venus named Kairo and he never did anything other than get captured. He was damn good at that, though.
He could get captured 8 times during a four minute episode. He would already be tied up by one villain and a new villain would stop by just to tie him up some more and have his henchmen throw a net on him. Then he'd wander into an open well filled with scorpions. A few hours alone, and Kairo would have been dead with or without evil's help. The other Super Friends all had sidekicks that were a tiny bit better than useless. Robin had bat-shaped tubes of paste he could throw, Hawkman's bird could scream and peck, Aqualad had a seahorse and a walrus, and Kid Flash could run fast. Kairo had a pants suit and his ears came to a point. Those are the exact same powers as a housepainter that grew up underneath power lines.

Kairo didn't care. He never got his own flying saucer or invisible jetski or any type of weapon. You know how he travelled? He actually had to ride Green Lantern's ass through space. Of all the heroes in the universe, Green Lantern's the only one that can make a motorcycle with his mind. Kairo should have been the last sidekick that needed to resort to a piggyback ride. And when they got to other planets, Green Lantern didn't make him a green boomerang. Kairo had to pick a fight with nothing but a vacant smile. Hey, atomic monster. Try a taste of Kairo's innocent sense of well being!

I don't know how Green Lantern recruited him. Kairo was probably selling candy bars door-to-door, and after Green Lantern bought 12 cases, he received the bonus prize, "Spend a day the rest of your life with Kairo!" Here's his suspected amazing origin:

Green Lantern Memories Part 1: The Upset Elephant
Once Green Lantern and Superman got called by some asshole in a turban to chase down a rampaging elephant. Yeah, the people that yanked the Earth out of the acid-covered fiery black hole last week are getting phone calls from people who need help cheering up their grumpy fucking animals. The other thing worth mentioning about this is that the village the elephant was smashing was like two huts and a cart full of bags, and the cart full of bags was toast before they even called Green Lantern from their Trouble Alert Video Conference Unit. I don't know which stick and mud hut they kept it in, but I do know that if the elephant destroyed the entire crappy campsite they call a city, they could have rebuilt it in five or six minutes.

Continue to Green Lantern Part 3 ->