If Lex Luthor can be a super villain, anybody can. He put together a team made out of a clown, an eskimo, a zombie, a monkey, and a chick in cat pajamas. The last time a team like that got put together was when the special olympics put on an updated-for-the-nineties production of the Breakfast Club. Most people wouldn't throw a quarter to a group of freaks like that, but Lex took them up against the Super Friends. He's paved the way for egomaniac high school dropouts with no powers to put on spandex and take over universes. You know, people like Oprah or the Backstreet Boy that shakes his ant farm.

Luthor Camera Memoirs
Here they are with a camera Luthor put outside a planet in another solar system. He said the "slow spinning and pretty colors were soothing... like my own giant space goldfish." Later, he used his evil genius to figure out goldfish were cheaper. That plan fucked up too, they never had a fish for more than a couple hours before Solomon Grundy dropped pizza in their bowl or used it for a toilet. Then Black Manta used to dangle their tiny corpses around the house to practice fighting against Aquaman.

Luthor's camera at the center of the Earth. He said it was a big pain in the ass to install. One time Cheetah said she saw a weird bug walk past, but you can never be sure because of her terrible speech impediment. She could have just been saying hi or talking about a rash she got from licking herself.
Lex Luthor had cameras everywhere. It didn't matter if Jayna was on the toilet or if Superman was 3 galaxies away enjoying a bowl of cereal, Lex Luthor could put it up on the big screen if he wanted. Sometimes, if you were too lucid while you were watching the show, you'd notice, but most times you didn't care that Luthor was watching a tight closeup of a couple Super Friends fixing a satellite. Luthor had to have had the hugest collection of blackmail tapes. His tapes at home are probably labelled "French Ambassador with Transvestite Hooker," "Prime Minister Eating what he Found in his Nose," and "Monkey Fucking Dog." Why did he go through with all the complicated mind control bullshit when he could have quietly extorted money from every country's government without the Super Friends even knowing? And if they did find out, just threaten to release the tapes of Wendy and Cyborg's Titanium Pleasure Arm.

Luthor was ripped for a mad scientist. Look at him. You can count his six pack through that jumpsuit. I don't know how long it takes to build a dream reverberator, or monitor three quadzillion flying space cameras, but he still managed to spend at least a couple hours a day with his physical trainer. The only thing he got right about being a mad scientist is being short-sightedly ambitious. Scientists are always so excited about making giant monsters and clones, they never seem to think ahead to when they'll go berserk and try to eat them. Lex is the same way. He wanted to control the entire universe. The entire universe. Has he thought about how big a pain in the ass that's going to be? He has enough trouble keeping his friends from trashing the Hall of Doom every time he holds a staff meeting. Every time he calls roll, they destroy so much shit it takes the next week just to rebuild their headquarters.

Start off with a lemonade stand, Luthor. Work your way up to fruit truck, and then maybe open an ice cream shop. You can rule over it however you want, and it will make you a lot more money than getting punched in the face by Superman.

Luthor Camera Memoirs

Here the Legion of Doom are watching Hawkman and the other Super Friends fix a satellite. Luthor thinks it's funny when cable companies call up superheroes instead of liscensed space repairmen. While they were working on making sure satellite dish owners got to laugh along with Wheel of Fortune, 3000 midwesterners died in flash floods. Imagine being up to your neck in muddy waters, and calling the Super Friends' answering machine to hear, "Hi! This is Superman! ... And this is Wonder Woman! [together] And we're not here right now!!! All Super Friends are out doing maintenance for TCI Cable. Please deal with any impending emergency with panic and screaming."
The best thing about Luthor is his diplomacy. They trashed a lot of furniture, but the fact that he can keep these maniacs from killing each other is probably the most super talent of anyone there. There's not a group therapist in the world that could walk into the Hall of Doom and keep a fight from breaking out. There's no chapter on talking gorillas and eskimos with snowball guns in the psychotherapy handbook. No amount of caring and sharing is going to keep a room full of stupid insane people from freaking out and firing off their weapons. How does Luthor do it? There's nothing to do in the Hall of Doom to keep them busy except a giant TV. Yeah, it's big, but thirteen crazy people and one TV? My brother and I almost lit the house on fire fighting over what to watch, and there were only two of us. Plus, we weren't diagnosed with even half the shit those crazy bastards had wrong with them.

Luthor somehow keeps them kind of behaved. I think he does it through unconditional love. While he gets out his clipboard and takes roll, he genuinely tries to make everyone sound cool when he calls their name. Do you remember at summer camp when you sat around the campfire with everyone else, and you'd take turns saying nice things about someone? Then they come to the smelly kid, and the only contact you'd had with him was when you hit him in the head with a canoe paddle that morning? You started to realize that you had nothing nice to say about this person. Remember the stress you'd feel while the candle is getting closer and closer to you and you still hadn't come up with anything worth complimenting him on? That's every day of Lex Luthor's life. Sure, it's easy to compliment Bizarro and Sinestro, but what the fuck would you say about Toyman? "The amazing Bizarro! And next to him, the pretty-good-at-ping-pong Toyman! The... talking Grodd! Followed by the... the... followed by SCARECROW!"

Continue to Lex Luthor Part 2