Let's Watch Superman Get His Ass Kicked
Video (0:29)

"Giant Squid Creating Monster Fish"
Video (0:28)

Friends in Space
Video (0:25)

Reappearing Superman Android
Video (0:50)

The Super Friends always forgot they had powers, but with Superman it was different. It wasn't like when Hawkman forgot he could fly, or when Wonder Dog forgot to pee on the mailman. Those guys could do one thing each. Superman had at least 150 powers, and the writers were making up two or three more every episode. If a script called for it, Superman would leak paste out of his ears that can control the weather. His fingernails might cure cancer and create food, he may never remember.

For example, Superman had heat-ray eyes and freeze breath. He could kill you by looking at you or breathing on you. From across the room with no hands. But he didn't. If a villain tied him up in a crappy rope, Superman would just sit there and watch the guy launch a nuclear missile at a kindergarten. The super power he used most often was getting a 10 year old boy to scream at his TV, "Your eyes shoot lasers, you stupid fucker! LASERS! Blow a hole in his head! Do you want the kids to die, super donglicker?! ASS!"

Don't be too quick to judge Superman's alzheimers problems, though. You probably forget about your powers sometimes too. You can't fly, but you have the ability to learn to waterski, bake, watch baseball, and put objects in your ass. If Lex Luthor came at you with a mind deconfribrulator, you'd be so scared you'd totally forget to learn to waterski. Also, you probably wouldn't jam anything into your ass. See? You forgot about at least TWO super powers, smartass.

With Superman around there was no point in having anyone else on the team. Name one problem that a bat-shaped boomerang could solve that Superman couldn't solve in one billionth of the time. Besides helping the elderly who want to have sex with a bat-shaped boomerang, and good luck finding one of those-- I've tried. If Chuck Norris' copdog sidekick had all its legs removed and then you glued its mouth shut, you have a vague understanding of how useful the rest of the team was to Superman.

Continue to Part 2

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