Origin: Her mother, Hippolyta, made her out of clay, and begged the goddess Aphrodite to make her a real girl. If you've read or seen Pinnochio, it's the same puppet shit. I don't have any trouble believing a clay girl can come to life; I've seen Mannequin 218 times, and I still get presumptuous enough afterwards to make out with my Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots. What I have trouble believing is Wonder Woman's mom. I don't buy that any girl whose name starts with "Hippo" could make it through childhood without ending up in prison.

Wonder Woman's unofficial job on the team was giving Aquaman a ride to any place that wasn't along the water. If you want to see how often that might have been, try to travel by boat to every place you go in the next week. That's probably why Wonder Woman could never finish getting dressed-- she was busy playing taxi for the damn fish idiot.

One thing about Wonder Woman, is that whoever did her voice couldn't disguise it. When the Zimbabwean ambassador popped onto the Trouble Alert screen with a chef hat and a Turkish accent, you weren't quite sure if it was Batman's voice, but when Wonder Woman took a second job as the voice of the villain, there was no mistaking it.

Sometimes she tried to muffle it a little, but that only made more of a mess. It just meant that when the villain showed up, it looked like Wonder Woman changed bikinis and got a cold. We couldn't tell if it was supposed to be her in disguise, her long lost twin, or me imagining Wonder Woman was talking to me again. I don't remember ever coming to the conclusion that the Super Friend producers got cheap with their voice actor payroll and stuck a napkin over "Wonder Woman's" mouth. For a kid, admitting your cartoon heroes were thrown together by interns and animation sweatshop workers would be like admitting Santa Claus was your dad and your mom's breasts were fake.

I remember every time I looked away from the TV to the collection of pills I stole from the bathroom, I got really confused by every character having the same voice. On a regular day, it sounded like Wonder Woman was pulling the switch on an orbital death ray, and on a bad day, it sounded like she was capturing herself. It was all more confusing than one of Batman's lessons in physics. How much would it have cost to bring a hobo in from the Hanna Barbera sidewalk and have him read, "I've got to act fast!"?

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