Above: The Learn the art of Dancing Dirty case. Note the carefully Swayze-like model.

Not pictured: The many, many legal disclaimers pleading for the movie Dirty Dancing to not sue them.

Learn the Art of Dancing Dirty, 1988

If you ever wanted to learn how to dance dirty, but can't stand Patrick Swayze, there's good news for you. Learn the Art of Dancing Dirty, 1988 is an instructional video that has nothing to do with Patrick Swayze, showing you erotic dance moves with the help of two creepy "Dance Instructers" Felix and Marla. And when I say creepy, I mean it. These people couldn't make your skin crawl more if they were covered in hissing spiders dressed like Dracula.

The one and only song they dance to sounds like someone just hit the "Atomically Crappy Bossanova" beat button on their 1983 Casio keyboard. It honestly could not be worse if the keyboard grew robot arms and started stabbing you. Please be understanding with me, because there is no way I can describe how god damn awful this damn song is. Lucky for you, its writer, Kirt Miller, did a pretty good job of capturing its horror when he named it "SKEEEEN YAAAAH." That's right. SKEEEEN motherfucking YAAAAH.

Before the instruction starts, the makers of Learn the Art of Dancing Dirty warn you that you should consult your doctor before you start it or any other dance program. Also, while the producers and performers offer many unique ways to rub yourself against other people, they disclaim any liability for your injury. And while you should always listen to the medical advice of perverts, if you need to call your doctor to make sure you're medically able to grind your pelvis against someone, please don't learn the art of dancing dirty. Because if you're so old or out of shape that this or any other dance program might injure you, the people that will really need a doctor are the ones unlucky enough to see your nasty ass try this in public.




THE BASIC STEPS
You can't begin simulated sex on the dance floor without knowing the basic steps. Step left, together, right, together, and repeat. The video devotes five minutes to showing you how to do this, going so far as having the "instructers" separate and do it in slow motion. They couldn't afford the extravagance of real slow motion effects so the dancers have to do it themselves by pumping their asses as slowly as possible. This might be stupid and awkward, but you'll soon learn that it's useful as a signalling device. As soon as the slow motion instructions begin, steel yourself. Because the camera WILL zoom in and get a tight three-shot of Felix's two buns and his one very apparent panty line, and you better be fucking ready for that.

Actual Dancing Dirty Narrator Advice: "Stand erect, relaxed, and close to each other, with ffuullll body contact... you can use cheek to cheek at this point. And ffuullll body contact."

Actual Dancing Dirty Reaction to Narrator's Advice: Christ Jesus fuck that's disgusting.


THE FIGURE EIGHT
If you can imagine both of your zippers getting caught on the same toy car travelling around a figure 8 race track, you should have a good idea of what this move looks like. But to imagine what this move looks like when Felix and Marla do it, you need to imagine that the people with their groins stuck together look like they're about to eat each other. Their closeups get really uncomfortable... the eye contact never stops, and both their mouths are clenched into demonic interminable fake grins so clamped closed that it looks like they're each barely containing a mouthful of angry writhing insects.



THE CIRCLE
The Circle is a lot like the figure eight, only your pelvises don't travel with each other. They rotate in opposite directions to increase the speed and deadliness of the crotch impact. The video doesn't dwell on this step for very long, since without proper protection, a human groin couldn't perform it for more than three or four seconds. In fact, I needed to sit on an ice pack just from watching it.

Fun Genital Support Fact: You can tell Felix isn't wearing a cup from two different clues. First: during this move, he was quicker than usual in pulling his wang away and demonstrating the move a safe distance from the impact zone, and second: there isn't a thing in those nightmare khaki pants that Felix can keep a secret. You can name the fucking outlines of the fruit on his underwear's label. And don't think I'm happy about that.


THE RAG DOLL
In The Rag Doll, the lady goes sickeningly limp and leans back while the man shakes her around at top speed. This not only acts as an erotic way to dislodge anything stuck in her teeth, it's an effective way to assault other nearby dancers with her skull.


THE BASIC DIP
Don't be misled by The Basic Dip's name. It's far from basic. First you dip her, then you jam your face between her boobs, heave heavily into them, and end it by quickly jabbing her crotch with yours. Judging by Felix's demonstration, a jackhammer-like velocity is more important than musical rhythm. If you do this move correctly, it should jar the woman's head loose from her spine and grind both of your pelvic bones into powder.


THE WAVE
The Wave is difficult to explain. Felix and Marla take turns dodging each other while one of them tries to ram their forehead into the other's face. I have a theory that this may not be a dance step but an actual fight that broke out after the injuries sustained during The Basic Dip forced them into an injured-animal rage. Whatever it was supposed to be, it ended up looking like a clash of two powerful kung fu masters who somehow had their genitals crazy-glued together.

Right: They also demonstrate The Wave in reverse in case you get turned around on the dancefloor but still want to perform your sexual headbutts correctly.
THE AFRO TILT
This is a move where the dancers face their hips towards each other and both pretend they're a butter churn. The nasally narrator says at the beginning of its demonstration, "The Afro Tilt.... thiiis is possibly the most familiiiar movement that couples know... riiight?" The narrator is Satan. The Afro Tilt should be called SWEET LORD MY EYES ARE BURNT, KILL ME. No part of this can any longer be called dancing. This is two half-monster forty-somethings blatantly humping one another through their clothes. And someone should have told the narrator that we are way, way fucking past the point of coy references to sex. By now, viewers have figured out that all this crotch pounding might have something to do with intercourse. It couldn't be any more lewd if a giant syrup-covered vagina flew in and screamed "STICK IT IN!"

Actual Dancing Dirty Narrator Advice: "The arms and hands can travel all over the body as desired. Improviiise."

Actual Dancing Dirty Reaction to Narrator's Advice: After seeing these beasts grab each other's beast parts at the same time you hear a voice say some creepy shit like that, the only thing you're going to have to improviiiise is every attempt at an erection for the rest of your life.


THE SPANISH DRAG
This one is pretty easy. Pull the lady up onto one of your legs and use the inside of your pants as a condom. It may be necessary for viewers at this point to put their hands over their eyes and hide under something until they're done crying because if you're strong enough to sit through this one, then thanks for reading this video review, Bruce Willis.

Actual Dancing Dirty Narrator Advice: "Now you're close enough to kiss, or to bite each other on the neck! Use your imagination!"

Actual Dancing Dirty Reaction to Narrator's Advice: If I was good at using my imagination, this video would be two underage cheerleaders and not a couple of horrible shaved Bigfoots biting each other on the neck.


THE SWEETHEART POSITION
The Sweetheart Position is named that because you stand behind the woman and paw at her boobs. The narrator, always ready to help us stay out of jail, reminds us that we should only let our hands fall on areas that she allows. Of course, if you've let someone ram their balls into you for 30 minutes and you don't want his hand to brush across your chest, you're sending out some seriously mixed signals, lady. All I know is that if I was a woman and I've been letting you pound any part of your body against my beautiful flower for the better part of an hour, nothing you think of to do with your hand is going to surprise me.


ROLL OUT/ROLL IN
Whatever they want to call this, it should be illegal. It's the same basic humping, only she's inverted with her legs spread while you mop the floor with her hair. I guess by this point it might be necessary since if you've done the previous steps correctly, the floor should be pretty well covered in fluids by now.

Actual Dancing Dirty Narrator Advice: "If [this step] isn't done right, you both might hit the floor."

Actual Dancing Dirty Reaction to Narrator's Advice: If you've gotten this far into the instructional video with your partner and the two of you haven't already taken it to the floor, you need to stop rehearsing the art of dancing dirty with your sister.


THE BACKWARD WALK
Step backwards with the woman's body tightly against the front of your pants, then launch her out and spin her as quickly as wind resistance allows. While doing so, slap her skirt up so everyone can see her panties. Felix does this flawlessly, but he does leave out one important step-- asking the other people in the room if they would like to see Marla's panties. The answer is no, Felix. No please no.


NECK OVERSWAY
I studied this step very carefully because it looked like something might have been wrong with the tape. First you grab the woman by the head, dip her, stick your shoulder in her nose, then wiggle it uncontrollably. This is a good dance step to know if you ever need to send your partner the message that you require urgent medical attention.


LEG SLIDES
In Leg Slides, the woman wipes her hoo-ha down the leg of the man and then leaps towards his face when he least suspects it. Repeat several times. This may not sound so deadly, but please remember: she's not only travelling at incredible speeds, she's also attacking the man's very senses with the aroma of his middle-aged Spanish testicles, the odor of which have been firmly rubbed into her body.


PUT IT ALL TOGETHER
The final step of the video, Put It All Together, shows how you can chain together all the moves you learned into one seizure-like sexual rampage. It's a maddening series of head shaking and crotch ramming that includes variations on moves you've already learned like The Circle with an added Front Head Lock, and the Neck Oversway with extended shoulder wiggling. Felix even added a previously unperformed move I named "The Bloogedy Bloogedy My Face is Smacking Against the Sides of Your Cleavage Atomic Back Breaker." By the way, no amount of vaginal assualt ever makes Marla change her expression. That woman is up to something.


Absoludicrous Rating: 3/5
The video has forced me to take at least a temporary break from having, thinking about, or creating window displays about sex. The only chance I have of getting the Dancing Dirty images out of my head is to see something more sexually terrifying. Maybe I'm being a pussy, though, since just one country of Japan away, two gross people ramming their poisonous groins against each other would be considered children's programming until they were at least covered in someone else's poop.

Availability: Thankfully, the availability of this video is slim to none. Your best chance at finding this crime against crotches is to search your local Good Will or pawn shops. You may be able to rent it from a video store that never throws anything away, but it's out of print, and even when it was in print, people could notice it was a piece of garbage by glancing down at the cover from a passing airliner.

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