Part Four: Teen Steam, Gotta Let it Out


New Edition.


Chewbacca.


For more powerful music, click here to watch Mr. T's opus, "Mother."


Mr. T and Mart(ik)a learn to pop, becoming more important, confident people with each jerky robo-move.
For Peer Pressure, Mr. T had to call in some outside help. The regular kids were overworked from the fashion extravaganza, and Mr. T can't do a skit on Peer Pressure. The only peers he has are the Incredible Hulk and constipated people screaming from the toilet. So he called the ultimate band-- New Edition. If you grew up in the nineties, New Edition is what you'd get if N'Sync sucked less and put on jerry curl wigs.

At the start of the skit, Martika and her pals are walking on the dock and one of them finds a beer and a pack of cigarettes IN THE TRASH. (The beer was on top. He had to dig around for the cigarettes.) Like every anti-drug skit, it takes half a cigarette and a sip of beer before all of them are so deliriously high they better hope they're wearing diapers. In real life peer pressure is when your friend calls you a pussy for not emptying your pudding into the teacher's desk. In this show, it's four kids doing every single thing in their power to get their friend to put a cigarette in his mouth. There's no one more determined in the world than the peer pressure-ers in an anti-drug skit. If only they could channel that determination into something other than sharing.

The entire time it's going on, New Edition is four feet down the dock singing the words "Peer Pressure!" over and over. Seriously, the song is 6 minutes long, and there are only 4 words in it that aren't "peer" or "pressure."

While the non-smoking kid is fighting the temptation to take the garbage can cigarettes, he constantly looks over at Mr. T for guidance (who's two feet down the dock in the other direction). Mr. T keeps shaking his head as if to say, "You're not supposedta smoke! Even if you founded it in the trash, sucka!" So the sequence goes: New Edition dancing - the kids trying to share their magic one-hit cigarettes - Mr. T shaking his head - repeat from top. I really have to give Mr. T special credit for this music video. He came up with 250 different ways to shake his head NO by the end of the song.

Let's say you're not a teen struggling with whether or not you should drink things you find in the trash. Let's say you're just some guy on the beach. You're taking a walk, enjoying the sunshine and the birds... and then you look over to the dock. You see a jogging team with tourette's syndrome repeating the same line over and over while a creepy man in hot pants hovers behind a group of children trying to stuff trash into another kid's mouth. Would you call the cops? Fuck that, you'd call the damn marines.

Click here to see some of "Peer Pressure."

After the emotionally draining sequence on the dock, they show us one of the most important steps in becoming a Somebody --learning how to pop and break. Does breakdancing really make you somebody? Let's check. Quick, name a breakdancer. That's what I thought.

Like every tape that isn't this tape proves, nothing's perfect. So we need to learn "Recouping." It's what you do after you fuck up to make it less absoludicrous. To illustrate, Mr. T shows a tape of a kid tripping on the sidewalk while an asshole fat business man points and laughs. In the updated Recouped version, when the kid trips he starts breakdancing. While Mr. T is telling us how effective it was, someone off-camera notices he forgot to put on his pants (oh... Mr. T... it's so sad). He looks confused for a second, then takes off the doctor's uniform he was wearing (I don't know why) and starts exercising. Most of what we learn is that next time you do something absoludicrous, you should either strip, breakdance, or both.

Click here to see "Recouping."


Part Five: Final T-Nalysis, Jibba Jabberin' fool.

Most of his advice was good. Believe in yourself, dance when you forget to wear pants, dress in torn layers of tablecloths, rapping is like a signature, your outfit or the WAY YOU MOVE, and most importantly -- learn to breakdance. It's all genius. Where was Mr. T when they wrote the Bible or the Declaration of Independence? His video blew the shit out of those doctrines before he even got to the part where Jeff dances.

Absoludicrous Rating: 4/5
No matter what scale of rating you use to judge film, this is twice as good as anything I can put into words. So it's twice as good as these words: "This tape could beat the shit out of any other tape, and will probably break your VCR it's so cool. And it doesn't take a sense of irony or nostalgia to enjoy it like everything else from that decade. It is genuinely brilliant. After this, every movie you ever see will feel like a waste of 90 minutes you could have used to watch Be Somebody or Be Somebody's Fool again."

There are a lot of other celebrities out there that think they know what they're talking about. That stupid bitch Dr. Laura wrote a book about how we're supposed to act called the Ten Commandments. Not to be confused with the ones by Charlton Heston or God. Mr. T has more wisdom in one of the feathers jammed in his earlobe than Dr. Laura has in her entire naked-on-the-internet body. All you idiot housewives that call Dr. Laura to get yelled at should start taking advice from T. When your drunk husband is stealing money out of your purse, dunk your hand in some potato salad and smack yourself in the face with it. It's called Recouping. One out of one Dr. T's recommend it.

Paul Reiser wrote a book about our relationships, and it actually made it into bookstores. That guy is one lovably awkward performance away from annoying a TV watcher to the point of murder. There are people right now polishing sniper rifles in front of their TVs saying, "Stutter again, Paul Reiser. Stutter again and see what happens, funnyman." Paul Reiser shouldn't tell us about relationships. Mr. T knows more about relationships in those red biker shorts he forgot weren't pants. Now imagine how much wisdom Mr. T has in his pants, those camouflaged things have 38 pockets per leg. I don't care if you add up Paul Reiser, all the women he nervously fucked, and every piece of bathroom graffiti the four of them put together have read, they'll never know what Mr. T's pants know.

Availability:
This is a relic lost to the eighties which is pretty sought after by anyone with a good eye for the radical. You either have to get really lucky at a thrift store or outbid some fruitcake on ebay.
Apology: Telling you Dr. Laura and Paul Reiser are wrong is like telling you not to mix household chemicals on your dick. Unless you're really stupid, I'm wasting both our time. So let me tell you this. Mr. T's Be Somebody or Be Somebody's Fool is probably the only motivational/self-help tape that will actually make you a better person. Simply reading about it here right now is making you a better person. It's a scientific fact that leading a parade of singing children down the sidewalk is the highest goal of any individual, and this tape shows us step by step how to turn ourselves into the person that can make something like that happen. Be somebody! You know you can! That's right. Be somebody! It's in your hands! Reach out!

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