Most editorials are written by people that love to argue but got kicked off debate team for not making any sense. And newspapers love them. They love to hire the seriously defective for the paper-selling controversy that goes along with published articles about "How Germans Are Poopheads" or "Why I Hate Traffic Accidents." For example, in Joanne Jacobs' editorial, "I'm Pretty Sure I'm an Idiot," she said,

"Once it was over the tag is 'Why sport? You'll live longer' I realized the ad was supposed to be funny, a take-off on horror/slasher movie cliches. Only it wasn't silly enough to be funny. Not to me."

Nike heard Joanne's message. And since it's striving to make adjustments for the idiot community, the commercial was retooled to be silly enough for Ms. Jacobs to think it was funny. When it airs again next month, Suzy Hamilton falls into a dunk tank, then Jason slips on a banana peel and chainsaws himself in the crotch. And as the tagline appears, Grandpa Jones pops out of the corn field to say, "WHOO-HEEE! I reckon that boy's danced his last square dance! DOO DOO DOO-DOO-DOO DOOOOO! BOOP!"

It gets worse. Nancy Anderson, a retired Children's Protective Services worker from Saratoga saw the ad. And after she forced her 12 year old daughter to show her how to use the email, she sent this in a letter:

"I was so disgusted that this would be shown with kids watching... What does this say about how to treat women? Kill them?"

Yeah, Nancy, it's trying to tell us to kill women. And the Juan Valdez commercials are secretly telling you to move to Columbia and pick rich full-flavored coffee beans. And the cat litter commercials are trying to get you to shit in a sandbox. Nancy, next time you're watching TV and a voice in your head is telling you to kill, you probably shouldn't tell anyone. Not even huge shoe corporations. And Nike, if this is the kind of letters you were getting, what the fuck made you decide to pull the commercial?

Nike CEO #1: "We should pull this ad. Some lady in Saratoga thinks it's telling her to kill women."

Nike CEO #2: "If she's hearing voices that tell her to kill, I don't think we're going to fix that by changing it to a commercial with puppies in tennis shoes."

Nike CEO #1: "Hey, that puppy thing isn't a bad id-- wait. I've got it. Picture this: What if we added a disclaimer to the commercial telling her not to kill women?"

Nike CEO #2: "Jesus. Were you listening? She thought a commercial was telling her to kill. You think a crazy bitch like that is going to wipe the goat blood off her TV just to read some fine print? Sally-- hold all my calls. I'm going to be hitting Nike CEO #1 with a stapler for a couple hours."

Sally's voice: "Sorry, Nike CEO #2 sir, I didn't hear you. I was watching Baywatch and thought it told me to take off all my clothes and pull my underwear up my ass. I'm going to be busy applying ass-wound creams at least until lunch."

Nike CEO #1: "Good work!"

The government recently took a huge census. No one knows why since J. Crew and Victoria's Secret seem to be able to find us all okay, but some say they were trying to find out if anyone had a second version of themselves spontaneously grow out of their back. Maybe they should have been taking statistics on how many people like Saratoga Nancy there are out there who can't tell the difference between reality and TV. That would come in a lot more handy than knowing what percentage of North Dakota is Eskimos.

Think how great life would be if you were like Saratoga Nancy and didn't know where TV ended and life began. You'd never have a bad day. If the bank teller was being a dick to you, you could change the channel. One minute he's telling you you're in your pajamas and they'll have security remove you, then CLICK-- they're a bikini oil wrestler! If someone cuts you off in traffic, CLICK-- they're ghostbusting Bill Murray! Sweet!

So if Nike or the government or whoever is in charge of TV censorship is listening, here's my idea: instead of taking things off the air that you deem dangerous instructional videos for the insane, hand out remote controls to everyone. They take them with them wherever they go, and if they ever have trouble telling whether or not they're in a Nike chainsaw commercial or regular life, they push a button. If the channel changes, great. They're watching TV and it's okay if people get hit by logging equipment. If they push a button and nothing changes, they're in reality. That means it's not okay to blow up the school.

This is Catie.
(former photo of Catie Gosselin replaced with drawing of Catie Gosselin due to legal actions. More on this in Part 4.)

One of the most amazing editorials about the Nike Chainsaw Massacre comes from WomanLinks Dot Com's Catie Gosselin, who said, "The ad ends with a catchy slogan hailing the virtue of fitness. As if fitness will help you escape next time a man wants to hit you upside the head."

Nature's most precious gift aside from the hot ass is the instinct of Fight or Flight. And it doesn't take a physical therapist to tell you that fitness will drastically help you with both Fighting and Flighting. But in the extra crazy square Bizarro planet inside Catie's mind, there is no escape from a man's deadly head slap. If someone wants to hit you, the only thing you can do is hope you survive long enough to write an editorial. People love to get upset, so I can understand the small holes in logic these dipshits ignore in their quest to get offended, but Catie is rewriting the fucking laws of physics.

Some paranormal phenomenons like this kind of mass-insanity inspire me to try to solve the mystery. That's why I tried to track down distinguished geniuses to figure out how this commercial got women so mad. But since I don't know any geniuses and none are listed in the phone book, I wrote a joke about hot dogs (see later).

I decided to try to steal knowledge from some of history's dead geniuses. Ancient philosophers used to put on sheets and hold handfuls of grapes and say that you can solve any problem if you sit and think about it enough. That doesn't work anymore. Life today is more complicated than it was back in the toga gardens of Greece. And their line of thinking especially can't solve anything involving women; they didn't even use girls for sex back in ancient Greece. That's why I've updated their philosophy to not only be more modern, but to be more related to me and the things I'm into. It's now: "You can solve any problem if you sit and think about it enough in front of a Mr. T movie."

It worked in less than an hour. As I was thinking in front of the Mr. T classic, DC Cab, Gary Busey asked rhetorically, "Why are women so mad? They have half the money and ALL the pussy!" Bingo. There wasn't much wisdom to his line, but 11% of it was the word "pussy" and that's exactly what I was going for in my philosophy. What's really sad is that protests like this aren't going to stop happening no matter how many times I or Gary Busey say pussy.

One of the problems women had with the commercial was that the person getting chased by the maniac was a woman. There is a nearly identical commercial where a guy on a skateboard is being chased by insane gladiators, and no one's protested that one. That's because white males' perspectives are unobstructed by gender or racial crap. When you're white and male, you don't project the accomplishments or failures of another white male onto your entire race of proud people.

Let me explain. If a woman sees the female soccer team win, girls rock. It's not just a victory for one talented soccer team, it's People's Exhibit A in the case of All Womankind Rocks. Aside from that being crazy, there's nothing wrong with that. But white guys don't do it. We don't watch a congressional hearing and call our friends to say, "Did you see all the white guys in Congress? Golly boy! White guys can sure run a country! That dude from Texas is my motherfucking cracker!"

You might think the lack of a rally-behind-our-people gene limits us in our inspiration, and I'm sure it does. But it also keeps us from catching fits of insanity. Like if we see a commercial where a maniac chases a white guy, we don't project that to mean Nike wants maniacs want to kill all white people. And we especially don't get some sort of subliminal message that WE should be that maniac. Also, we think censorship is for ******* ***** and *****.

That's not the only way men and women are different. In fact, no matter what kind of measurement you use, they're statistically categorized differently. The Olympics are smart enough to take away people's medals for using cold medicine, and even a sporting event as modern and enlightened as that makes the sexes run in different races. You might not have noticed, but that's sexism on a grand and fantastic international scale. It might be because men are faster, but it also might be because halfway through the race, they know women will get all emotional and start crying and the men will try to pour beer on them and start a wet t-shirt contest.

Some experts offer a different view on why the Olympics seperate by gender. It's because if there was ever a male rhythmic gymnast prancing on a nap mat with a hula hoop and a ribbon or whatever the fuck goes on in that crap, it would become the duty of every other man on Earth to stick that hula hoop up the guy's ass. If that's true, and trust me, it is, the Olympics are saving butt doctors valuable time by keeping the sexes apart. However, almost every other organization in the world keeps men and women in different categories for less noble reasons. If you open the Guiness Book of world records, every world record has the main, official world record and then a lower record for the women's record. Sorry, I didn't write the book. And they don't have gender apartheid in just the achievements for running speed and penis size; women get seperated in the things like Grossest Tumor and Hot Dog Eating. And many say we can never have true equality of the sexes as long as the Committee for Hot Dog Eating World Records keeps men and women in seperate categories.

When I attended University of Idaho, the Intramural Sports Committee set up a series of rules to equalize male and female performance in co-ed basketball games. They had rules such as female baskets are worth double the points, women can't be guarded by men, loud noises while females shoot are considered automatic points, and unless a man loses a limb, a woman cannot be called for a foul. I'm serious. By the time you added all the rules up, the university was clearly saying: "Men are 32 times better than women at basketball." I thought about protesting for a few minutes; then I decided their sexism was a nice compliment to me and my people's basketball ability.

Continue: Nike Responds to Morons.

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