In a related issue, I feel we should stop airing the Declaration of Independence (pictured above: Oklahoma Corn Growers Research Guidelines). Are they trying to tell us that it's okay for a bunch of white people to dress up like indians, stop paying taxes, and start their own country? What if a child were to read this? Or worse, an indian? I propose we not only put an enforced age requirement for the reading of this or any historical document, but that all children are kept from influences in fire-retardant pillow cases until they're eighteen.
If you're a fan of classified federal documents, chances are you've already read my extensive interview with the secret service regarding my danger to society. In it, I mentioned to a secret service agent that no matter how many hate mails and death threats I've received over the years, not one of them was from a person who could spell or even maintain a coherent thought for two straight sentences. And not one of them ever came close to making me change or remove something from the site. Nike has a much different policy. This is the actual form letter they sent in response to their hate mail (my comments in red):

Thanks for your e-mail.
(I hope they're being sarcastic here. I didn't expect sports star slave traders to be such pussies that they'd thank someone for hating them.)

Thank you for sharing with Nike your views on the new "Why Sport?" television ad titled "Horror." It has generated a very large and spirited viewer response, with consumers weighing in both positively and negatively.
(Last week I heard a story about an old woman whose face was melted into a horrible blob on an oven then half eaten off by cats. When it happened I said sincerely, "that's the saddest story I've ever heard." Now that I heard a shoe commercial is getting fan mail, I have a new saddest story I've ever heard.)

The intent of this ad was certainly not to offend or make light of violence, and if you have been offended by the ad, we sincerely apologize.
(Nike, if the first half of this sentence is true, I hope you realize you're apologizing to these people for their own psychoses. "We here at Nike make shoelaces to tie shoes and not to maim, and we're sorry you wrapped them around your own neck and popped one of your eyes out.")

Our goal was to clearly parody classic cinematic moments, in this particular case the extremely popular "horror" movies, to show how the benefits of being physically fit can appear unexpectedly in unusual situations.
(Did you write this for aliens with no concept of anything? What kind of person would have the right combination of retardation AND not having ever seen an extremely popular "horror" movie to not figure this out? If you're going to go this far to explain the damn thing, I don't know why you stopped there. Why not explain what shoes are? Or movies? Or consumerism?)

You might think this Nike crap is the worst disaster in shoe advertisement history. No way. On the back of an old Captain America I found this ad for Rip-Off's velcro sneakers. It was from a time where shoe ads had more honesty and less murder. To fully appreciate the ugly children's faces and the Rip-Off's rainbow logo, click here for a full size view. Or click here to see an ad about spoiling snatches.
In the case of Suzy Hamilton, the US Olympian who appears in "Horror," she is the victor, not the victim. Many of our consumers have let us know they understand the ad and enjoyed it. Many others have let us know that they do not care for it at all.
(Sorry to change my mind again-- this is now the saddest story I've ever heard. According to this, people wrote letters to Nike just to tell them "I understood your advertisement. Like many other commercials in my native tongue, it has words that have meanings." This can only mean one thing: whoever at Nike is in charge of opening letters is constantly on the verge of suicide.)

By the way, the NBC networks have elected to discontinue airing this ad during the Olympic broadcasts.
(Translation: You won, you fucking crybabies.)

We appreciate hearing from all sides of this issue, and thank you for taking the time to let us know how you feel.
(Nike, how many shoes do you have to sell before you can stop being such pussies? If you get your sucking lips off this person's ass, they might be mad at you enough to buy some Reeboks. That means that you might be out sixty dollars. In contrast, when you write letters like this, you're out an entire set of balls. In fact, I'd say you just passed LA Gear and Rip-Off's as the gayest shoes you can wear.)

(We are incredible pussies,)

Nike USA Consumer Affairs
(Nike USA Vagina-Human Hybrids)

Continue to Part 4: GETS PISSED.
NES & EGM    Kick to the Groin    Super Friends    Hostess Fruit Pies
Absoludicrous Video    Stupid Comic Ads    Classic

About the Site    Contact