Alec Baldwin (above, left) thinks to himself how he can conquer our pathetic world using Pamela Anderson's celebrity body as his political puppet, but is distracted by a nearby ass he swears just asked him to dance.

September 22nd - Alec Baldwin says "Let's Have Tits in 2000!" Pamela Anderson makes headlines again. This time it isn't for filming a penis in her mouth or removing giant plastic breasts from her chest. This time it might be for the good of all mankind. After a recent speech she gave at a People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals event, hunky playboy Alec Baldwin approached her and tried to convince her to run for political office and to be discreet when staring at her tits. According to attendants of the events with vision poor enough to pay attention to her voice, "she's incredibly articulate." When asked to add to this, the man next to him was quoted as saying, "What? Oh, yeah. yeah... sure.. whatever." while following the bounce of the animal-rights-activist's chest as she walked down the stage steps. And that's all Alec Baldwin had to hear before creating a small bouquet from his chest hair and approaching Pamela with his words of political inspiration and the gift of flowers. This turned into an embarrassing situation when she mistook this for pubic hair and instinctively put it in her mouth. Her and Alec shared a laugh so hard, she flirtatiously touched his arm several times while she spit up his delicious musky pluckings.

Pamela has been speaking out for animal rights for some time, but experts speculate the people that praise her public speaking ability just want to sleep with her, pointing to the pants of her porn co-star, rocker Tommy Lee, that are made from the flesh of several dead cows (in order to accomodate his legally-recognized-as-a-soverign-nation sized cock). Oregon Congresswoman, Gloria Nugoy, called her own press conference later that afternoon to denounce the Pamela rumor. Through clenched teeth she screamed, "Last year I lowered interest rates, unemployment, and personally kissed over 300 babies [pantomiming this act with a doll]. But I guess since these aren't perky enough for you pigs [pointing to her breasts (it was kind of nasty -ed.)], you'll give the top story to a locker-babe who is sooo upset about the little bunnies!" According to female supporters, she then WENT girlfriend by unhitching her pendulous womanhoods from their brazier prison and swung them around in a bold statement about the sexual obsession of the media. Onlookers grimaced and shifted their eyes nervously, praying for a sniper. Later, the irate and still half-naked Congresswoman added, "Even if she hadn't made headlines because someone overheard a rumor of an actor telling her to run for office, Ms. Anderson is a Canadian anyway, meaning the only public offices she's capable of running for are Parade Shovel Patrol and Congressional Sexual Harassee. Little slut." Seanbaby.com has decided to do a scientific test to discover how this political story became so important. Was it Pamela's hot ass American Pie good looks, or her articulationness? Below are two boxes. Decide which one you're more likely to call over a friend to your computer to look at, and if you're a good representative of a cross section of this Christian-NRA run thing we call a country, you should have a very convincing answer.

Some say Pamela's love for leopard skin outfits contradicts her animal rights stance, but panties fans retort, "It's not that bad if you only skin the thing's ear, fuckhead. That's like enough for 20 pairs of those."