The Adoracubby Coloring Contest Champions!
The Portal of Evil ladies were supposed to have gotten their votes in last Thursday, but they ran into a disaster where two of them were wearing the same outfit or some chick shit. Since there were no rules about them delaying the contest by trying on 80 pairs of shoes, there was nothing we could legally do about it. And according to their female support groups, there's also nothing we can legally do about them not being Colonel Wilma Deering. Or... can we?

They finally got together to discuss the winners of the Adoracubby Coloring Contest while me, Chet, Erik, and Mark played a special version of Truth or Dare where all the Dares have to involve a lifesize Colonel Wilma Deering doll and no one is allowed to pick Truth. We couldn't hear everything the ladies were saying in the Portal of Evil boardroom, but from the muffled gasps of shock, it sounded like most of it was about me and Mark's huge huge penises. Our theory was supported when the first winner they decided on was Mark's penis, followed by the top few feet of Mark's penis, with the third place winner being the color penis.

Another meeting was held, this time under close supervision, and they decided on the cutest of the cute: The Adoracubby Coloring Contest Champions!

Third runner up: Taylor Ellis
Prize: The Wizard
For his vision of a perfect world where Japanese stationary is covered in pictures of me and bunny creature things, Taylor wins a copy of Fred Savage & Christian Slater's The Wizard. It's the story of a young autistic boy leading two sexually experimental 12-year-olds across the country by hustling stupid business men with Double Dragon. It's the Nintendo community's Over the Top, which means, Taylor, that it's seventy or eighty times worse than receiving no prize at all. Congraturation!

"I love the Power Glove. It's so bad."

Second runner up: Brian and Cary
Prize: Dawn of the Dead
Something about the plight of an endangered race of animals causes amateur cartoonists to draw pictures of that endangered race getting humorlessly killed in hundreds of different ways. And I have the hundreds of rejected Adoracubby Entries to prove it. But in this comic, not only do the Adoracubbies do the killing, Brian and Cary remember to be funny.

Their prize, in honor of all the rejected comics, is the Internet Film Laser Squad-favorite, Dawn of the Dead -- the greatest movie about people getting killed in hundreds of different ways.

"They're after the place. They don't know why... they just remember. Remember that they want to be in here. They're us, that's all... There's no more room in hell."

First runner up: Chris Grab
Prize: The Warriors
This might shock you: our girlfriends weren't crazy about the Adoracubbies getting torn apart in bloody messes. Which might be why the second place winner is Chris Grab's adorable and not-blood-soaked scene of Adoracubbies making snow-Adoracubbies. It's so cute, Japan should be calling me any day to tell me its heart has grown six sizes and it's going to let the combat retards out of their cages.

I decided Chris won The Warriors because it's the most noncute, badass movie in the world. Plus, it's the only movie that's actually better than Dawn of the Dead. Keep in mind that the only other things that are better than Dawn of the Dead end in you kicking Colonel Wilma Deering out of your bedroom.

"One thing we might get out of Cyrus' little get together: meetin' some strange wool. I wouldn't mind layin' a little something down on the way back."

"You gotta one track brain, you know that?

"What's the matter? you goin' faggot?"

Champion!: Lindsay Layne King
Prize: Signed Mr. T #1
This was a unanimous decision. Our girlfriends like Lindsay's picture more than they like us, even after we went through a procedure to make Erik's entire body taste like cherries. Miss Layne King wins the first issue of Mr. T's asskicking comic(with a strong anti-violence message) that's been breathed on, touched, and autographed by Mr. T himself. As an extra bonus, the package will be padded with Dazzler and Super Friends comics, which makes her as lucky as the boob part of Colonel Wilma Deering's jumpsuit.

"It's a crack baby!"

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