Part 7 - Operation: Rescue E3 Gets Back to Rescuing

The natural state of every video gamer is randomly murdering people, and the natural state of every foreigner is religious civil war. That's why E3 was being protected by the fantastic Playstation Sheriff.

In honor of our selfless gesture of rescuing Kentia Hall, I was made a Junior Playstation Deputy Sheriff and allowed to pose in front of the Playstation Security Non-Mobile Action Station. I was also given a handgun and a case of "anything goes" free crime bullets. Erik was given a ticket for farting during my ceremony.
Cute Asian Lady: "BlggblgAAAH!! This place is black hole of lonely despair!"

Seanbaby: "Cheer up, lady. Kentia Hall can be anything you can imagine. Why, with just a little cottage cheese, fruit, and know-how, you can turn these pamphlets into..."

Middle Asian Creature: "Yes thank you! The future becomes bright."

Seanbaby: "Fuck you, Chairman Kaga. I'm not cheering you up until I figure out your gender."
Media Create Company, Limited didn't have anything to sell. They were giving out pamphlets about the marketing structure of two or three video game companies in Japan. What would you do if you had to tell smelly video game players from another country how Pac Man relates to your dynamic infrastructures using clumsy hand gestures and one word sentences? As you can see by the picture at the top left, it drives a person mad.

E3's slogan of "Touch the Future" means something different to everyone. For us, it's rocketing through the stars in a chocolate milk dispensing pirate ship made out of breasts. For this couple, touching the future meant touching a world where electronic entertainment is more than standing in a dysentery-infected pool during a lightning storm.
Erik spotted some immigrants in full Halloween costume. We chased them for awhile taking pictures, hoping we could show them to other people and cheer them up. The one with the purse eventually caught us and screamed something at us. Now, we're not total morons. We know that when a foreigner says something to you in their own language, it's a horrible death challenge insult, but only where they're from. Most of the things third world people say to piss each other off translates into nonsense about goats over here.

To save the honor of my family, and to try to distract everyone from Erik's tears, I started mimicking their stupid little hat with a popcorn bowl I bought from the Chinese Gaming Republic and Popcorn Bowl Sales booth, and said, "I'm a big stupid fag because I'm from Iraq or wherever! I can't talk to you right now I have to go ritually sew my wife's birth canal shut!" When I couldn't think of any other things I might have heard about foreign countries from people that watch a lot of documentaries, I paused and screamed, "We saved your ass in the war!!!"

Eat Attack After they were two or three hundred feet away, Erik yelled from behind me, "Sorry, but we don't have an infanticide booth here! Hope you can still enjoy yourselves!"

My high five hit Erik's hand with the sound of liberty, and America would never be the same again. Don't open your champagne yet, though. There's a Playstation law against making immigrants cry, and the Playstation penalty is headlock (right).
NES & EGM    Kick to the Groin    Super Friends    Hostess Fruit Pies
Absoludicrous Video    Stupid Comic Ads    Classic

About the Site    Contact