Part 8 - The Games of Kentia Hall|
I crowbarred Erik's head loose from the death grip eat attack of the Playstation Sheriff, and we walked over to a booth featuring a company called "cymouse."
Sean: "What's that on your head?"
Spaceboy: "Oh, this? This is the force-feedback gaming mind control headband."
Sean: Hi, Miss Korea Game. I like your potato suit.
Miss Korea Game: Thankyou. It is device for I remove your flesh 100 percent.
Sean: That's coo- holy shit. Did you just say you were going to kill me?
Miss Korea Game: Ha. Ha. It was a... human joke.
Sean: I knew it! Erik! Put down the statue of the mayor and run!
Erik: "It makes you look like a fucking idiot."
Spaceboy: "Correction: a space idiot."
Erik: "I give it 1000 dicks."
Spaceboy: "That sounds great!"
Erik: "Sort of. It means that when Phil Collins is playing with your headband thing, he still wants 1000 dicks in his mouth."
Sean: "Theoretically, the best a peripheral can do is zero dicks, which means Phil can enjoy your device with a mouth completely empty of cock."
Erik: "Or you could get negative dicks, which means that Phil Collins actually forgets about some of the dicks he's had or currently has in his mouth."
Sean: "But that's crazy."
As we left, Spaceboy pretended to mop his brow and said, "Amazing." He was right. Erik and I are something else. And it was here we realized that sending Sean over to smile at Vietnamese Gameboy enthusiasts wasn't the best way to cheer up Kentia. We were going to use our new review system to rate their games, and give these foreign bastards the thrill ride of their lives.
The bold introduction story to The Crush presented in its entirety, exactly as it was accidentally intended by the writers.
Click to view the video
Grigon Entertainment, from Korea, made a game about the future called "The Crush." We couldn't tell whether it was supposed to be a straight driving game or a car combat game, since with the way asian people drive, it looks the same either way. We decided to put it in a new genre: Car Accident Simulation. Which was accurate since it was about as much fun as a real car accident.
The final name, "The Crush," beat out their other ideas for names like "The Run Over, "King of Car," and "Please Where is a Dictionary." It was a profound look at our future society where the highways will be populated by sadistic blind madmen, and it taught us an important lesson: not one single person in the entire nation of Korea even knows the phone number of anyone that speaks English.
Above: Two Korean women parallel parking.
Our Amazing and Groundbreaking Oral Phil Collins Rating: 6782 dicks.
As much as we didn't care, the one person who really really doesn't give a fuck if futuristic cars smash into each other is Phil Collins' mouth. We imagine that putting this game in front of Phil Collins is just going to remind him why he's an international champion dicksucker, and not a Korean drunk driving fatality.