Part 9 - GIVE THE SHOCK TO YOU|
Angel of Silence
We have to be honest, we can't tell what the fuck kind of game Angel of Silence is. The bikini girl looked like Asia's answer to Tomb Raider's breasts, which were America's answer to its own hard ons. Just as we were making a mental note to later get hard ons and play Angel of Silence, the intro told us it was a "Amazing Three Experience Racing." If you're an English speaker, you probably notice that doesn't mean anything, but might have been trying to mean something about racing. And if you're a non English speaker, you'll want to put down your falafal and skip to the part where we rate the game using the international language of numbers of dicks.
Our Unique and Special Phil Collins Mouth Rating System: 2,098,874 dicks.
We should explain that we both have much more gaming experience than Phil Collins' mouth. I've gotten angry emails from both of the US National Video Game Team members, and Erik legally changed his last name to Beast after he married Altered Beast. We still don't know what's going on in Angel of Silence. If Phil Collins' mouth was playing this game, we theorize that it would want, nay demand it be filled with over two million dicks, then complain how they don't make dick-flavored capuccino with a smaller, hidden mouth or talking asshole.
To help you put that two million dick figure into perspective, to get that much dick you'd have to take my dick, stack it on top of itself nearly 8000 times, and then fold it in half from space. That's more dick than you'll find in a milking machine at a leper dairy farm. What we're really trying to say is that the only way this game could keep dick from getting into Phil Collins' mouth is to hope the dicks themselves play Angel of Silence and get confused enough to get lost pumping the inside of his grammy-winning ear.
Above: CycleRoid, where a bad game, a stationary bike, and a cooling fan combine to provide you with a dynamically crappy experience.
Not described: fatty rider.
Korean game developers are very brave, but not brave like firemen. They're brave in the same way Christopher Reeve is braver than you, and how you're braver than someone with four arms who can levitate. The Koreans make and describe games with no actual ability to do either, but with an unbreakable spirit that doesn't let them quit. They had a "video game" that was just two tiny remote control trucks playing soccer against each other inside a plastic bubble, and they stood next to it beaming like it was a lopsided ashtray at the Fat Camp arts and crafts showcase.
Bingo Fishing is a game with a real fishing pole attached to a rolling device to try to exactly recreate the exciting fishing experience. It would have worked too, if they'd have made a giant boat-shaped controller you could sit in for a few hours reading beer labels next to Erik who keeps dipping his balls into the water and screaming, "Under the sea, my balls are the star!!!"
The Official Bingo Fishing Phil Cocksucking Rating: 65 dicks.
The documentation for Bingo Fishing is a combination of technical jargon and the bizarre language Koreans invented when they tried to learn English. We don't think that will have any effect on Phil Collins' insatiable desire to fill his mouth with hollywood's most exciting dicks, but keep this in mind:
The rolling device that acts as the virtual fishing victim is shaped exactly like a robot dick (see left). Now, I'm no expert on what Phil Collins might do around a robot dick, but Erik is, and he says it would go something like this: "Good day sir, I'm Phil Collins, and I've just come from the United Nations. Put that robot dick in my mouth immediately. Please do not worry about my getting electrocuted, my mouth is insulated for just such an occasion."
Phil Collins' press secretary supported our theory in a letter stating, "Mr. Collins has no comment at this time regarding your article." Which we took to mean, "It's physically impossible for Phil Collins to comment right now or ever because his tongue is being depressed by several thousand pounds of dick. And every time I go home from my press secretary job I fucking smell like a truckload of spit got hit by a cock train. Please send help."
There's no higher congratulation in Korea than a picture of a fish, and even if there was, it's not like they'll ever be able to tell us.
Bingo Fishing broke us. Tieing a stick to a dick-shaped device and yanking on it is not a video game. It's more like a sequence from HBO's Real Sex that halts your masturbation. I swear, if Korea had a space program, they'd end up launching a cardboard box full of monkeys into the sun with the words "Peekaboo Perfect Space Explore" painted on the side. We gave up on them and their insane mixture of video entertainment with whatever other random things they had lying around. Seven hours of tunneling later, we found our way back to the main hall.