I added a Luke Skywalker Pez dispenser to help E.T. deal with the impending disaster. Now, when Darth Vader captured Luke Skywalker, his brilliant plan was to let him escape with the secret Death Star plans. I don't want to spoil the ending of Star Wars for you, but it worked out to be as dumbass an idea as it sounds. Because of this, I had to come up with my own, completly new plan to kill Luke Skywalker.

I glued him to the floor, replaced his delicious candy insides with eighteen kinds of fireworks, and completely filled his head with the crackling powder I got out of the Hellzapoppin's. And since plastic Luke Skywalker isn't flammable, I coated him with two generous layers of rubber cement. Until The Force can become a glue solvent, put out a four-alarm fire, and simultaneously disarm 300 bombs, Luke Skywalker is fucked.

Explosive Tip #4: The Ring of Fire (right) is a firework that you nail it to a wall or tree, and it spins like a pinwheel. However, if you take the individual parts off, you're left with three of the most powerful rocket engines available in a legal firework. It's conceivable that if you could attach twenty of them to a small child and synchronize their fuses, you could take it off its feet. Several hundred and you could probably put that little fucker through a wall. Any more than that, though; and you're just blatantly torturing children.

For the Bat Plane (right), I used two Ring of Fire engines. The plan is for it to drive up from several feet away then start the main firework with the spark-launching guns I took from a tank and glued to the front. I also broke it open and was surprised to find that Batman had installed no fireworks on the inside of his plane. I promptly fixed that. Note: use duct tape when attaching the engines. If you only use rubber cement, they'll detach from your vehicle and make a run for it.

Ninja are masters of the silent killing arts of the Orient. This ninja (right) has been dipped in rubber cement, lightly breaded in explosive powder, deep-fried in American pride, and then attached balls-first onto the part of the Killer Bee that launches into the sky while screaming.

And in case he needed to get rescued after he became a master of the silent killing arts of being a screeching fireball, I put a fire truck near his launching pad (above). For some reason, all of its equipment was exchanged for high explosives. Could this simply be more of the danger and mystery that constantly surround the ninja or a horrible fire department bureaucratic error? If all things go well, there won't even be close to enough evidence to ever know.

Assembling the final layout of your firework is the most important step. For example, the panda and large ammunition storage in the center of the board are being guarded by E.T. himself. Some might say that having an ugly little dynamite-covered pacifist guard an ammunition/panda depot is crazy. But maybe it makes the most sense of all. Just in case it doesn't, I filled an empty box of Power Puff Girls cereal with two pounds of random fireworks and hairspray-soaked paper towels.

Explosive Tip #5: Hairspray dries into a flammable skin. You can test this on the heads at your local mall. Also, an aerosol can of hairspray can explode shrapnel up to one hundred yards away if you throw it into a fire. Don't actually include an aerosal can in your firework unless you're really trying to impress America or are fairly sure you don't want your flesh anymore.

On to Part 3: Final Preparations and Ignition

Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four | Seanbaby.com
NES & EGM    Kick to the Groin    Super Friends    Hostess Fruit Pies
Absoludicrous Video    Stupid Comic Ads    Classic

About the Site    Contact