Nearly 12 minutes into the blaze, a neighbor finally came out and angrily threw a bucket of water on it. He said something about it "burning a hole in the asphalt." Now I'm not saying I've gone through an extensive road-surface education program, but you can't burn a hole through asphalt. So if you're going to put someone else's firework out, you'd better have a less-retarded reason than this guy's, which ended up being him not really knowing what asphalt is. And, from his lack of tears, he also didn't really know that he'd just doused a symbol of America's liberty.

Smoking Remains: E.T. is gone. Luke Skywalker and the fire truck-- gone. At first I thought Luke might have been rescued, but then remembered his head was filled with explosives. So if Han Solo had swooped in and grabbed Luke, he wouldn't have had time to stop and pick up all the loose chunks of his face. No, Luke and the fire truck didn't go anywhere. They're somewhere in the middle of that black smoldering puddle. Darth Vader might have destroyed a little planet, but I reduced an entire seven inch fire truck protected by E.T. to the size of a quarter using legal fireworks and office supplies. According to this data, my nation's independence kicks the shit out of the dark side of the Force.



Above: The former Bat Plane was found 30 minutes later melted to the bottom of someone else's firework. Experts dare not speculate on how this could have been possible, but are not ruling out magic.
Every time a movie comes out that does something dangerous, people copy it. For example, when The Program came out, there was a scene where the movie football players laid down in the middle of traffic. It took less than a week for a few real-life high school kids to lay down in the middle of traffic. Outside the realm of movie magic, this of course led to a liquifying death.* Some people, perhaps even experts, might praise The Program for getting rid of these people before we gave them something important to hold and then they laid down in traffic for some other reason. Then again some people, like the guys who have to clean the highway, probably feel Hollywood is made up of irresponsible murderers.

* The highway-laying-down scene was removed from the video version before it could quickly wipe out the world's population.

I see movie-mimicking as a brilliant tool for getting people to do something kickass I would never have the balls to go through with. For example, before next 4th of July, someone should make a movie about football players who throw molotov cocktails into a fireworks stand. Maybe then with the inspiration of E.T., the Explosive Terrestrial, and some of you being extra insane, I'll see that on the news next year. You might be missing a lot of your skin and fingers after some of the ideas I've given you, but fingers and skin only last about 80 years. Freedom... true Freedom... that lasts a lifetime.

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This article is in loving memory of Panda.

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