"i swear to god,it looks like flesh-eating bacteria"
From: orpheus
this one might be for joyce,actually

alright...i'm in desperate need of some advice. I shaved my legs the other day (request from my g/f...don't ask), and i've got all these splotchy red ingrown hairs..now, i've asked the few people i know who are willing to talk to me about this, and none can help. my sweetheart will be quite upset if i've fucked this one up...so,um...do you have any idea what I can do? i swear to god,it looks like flesh-eating bacteria...how do I get rid of them? sure,go ahead, mock me...but dear god help me first!

i can't believe i'm asking you this...
he who is probably gayer than richard simmons,

I don't think you should ever shave your legs for anybody. If your girlfriend finds out she can make you so something like that, you might as well put on the daiper and start cleaning her shoes with your mouth right there. If you really do love her, and you somehow agree that your legs being smooth is important to the relationship, make some sort of counter demand like breast implants or having her friends come over to shower with you. If you don't, she's going to go suggestion crazy. She'll start saying things like "maybe tomorrow", "I spent that money you had in your wallet," and "I don't think it's sexy when you pee on me." Hey wait. What would you need a girlfriend for if you're shaving your legs? If you're into that, you're going to want to start looking for dates at the YMCA or truckstop restrooms. You might be smooth and hairless, but you're still a pussy.
I'm not completely heartless. I actually started doing research for this poor kid and his disfiguring pussy whipping. The first website I found on hair removal was a site that let you send out inspirational hair removal cards to your friends such as this one starring Turbo Turtle. I'm serious. They were not doing this as a joke. They were not doing this for money. They were doing it for a reason that you and I may never understand. Needless to say, I'll be fucked if I ever enter "hair removal" into another search engine. The ugliness of red ingrown hairs are nothing compared to the madness of rocket turtles inspiring us to yank our hairs out with wax. God damn internet crazies strapping bananas onto turtles...

The gorgeous Torrie Wilson, degrading herself and others by looking pretty? According to a suspected idiot one-time reader -- Yes.
"Photos, as seen on your page, are a disgrace to women."
From: Kimberley Hurford

Hello "Seanbaby"

Your probably not going to like what I have to say, however I think it is necessary for you to hear it anyways. I HATE YOUR PAGE. No offense.

After constant nagging by my boyfriend that your page "was so cool," I thought that I could at least check it out. I was offended by your letters by God page. I realise that they are probably all fictional, however, I was insulted by your out right ignorance toward a religion that many people abide by - including me. I would have been able to shrug it off as opinions by a misguided individual, except for the constant naked photos of women beside each of these "fictional" letters. Photos, as seen on your page, are a disgrace to women. May be you like to degrade women to mere sex symbols, but this is something you should perhaps keep to yourself and the rest of your twisted friends.

The rest of your page was okay. Funny or not is another story.

Thank you for listening to my ramblings and critisms. You'll probably delete this message and forget it even occured.

You might be right, KIM. You've proven that women can be more than "mere sex symbols." They can be stupid bitches too.

I might be jumping to conclusions. You could be a successful altruist spending your days off from helping to clothe the nude to send letters to the rare deviants who think beautiful women are worth looking at. So I'm not saying you're wrong, just a bitch and probably kind of stupid. I know how degrading pictures of women's breasts are to women. Every girl has to come to that realization some time when they look down their shirt at the humilation God glued to their chests. Normally it takes one of them getting naked for a shower or a carwash to realize how degrading their ridiculous milk squirting bodies are, but now that your letter is up, even chicks with clothes on know they're useless. Hey, women of the world-- sorry. This Kimberly chick just shattered your illusions.

"i was offended by what u said"
From: jarradm

i really enjoy reading your website.
its real good.

i was offended by what u said in while answering the "are u gay" question

"I know nothing I've ever written would be worth reading if I was gay."

what do u mean by this statement?

anyway keep up the good work on your page

Thanks for the great question, j. I'm not really excited about explaining sarcasm to you, but I can give you help in case it ever happens again. Sometimes when you're trying to figure out what a sentence means, it's important to read the ones after it and maybe even some of the ones in front of it. Sometimes you even need to think about the meaning behind the words and how the relate to things you might have learned from school or people that visited your school in animal suits and performed puppet shows. Ask yourself, "would people in those animal suits still be funny if the guy telling you about them fucked boys?" I know it sounds like a lot of work, but it might almost be faster than writing to the author and waiting for him to respond to your dumb ass. I hope all of this helps. I'll be releasing Cliff Notes version of the site soon that will explain things like this more clearly and tell you exactly what to think, when to laugh, and what things are okay to eat.

"homosexuals are fags - Amos 4:11"
From: Saint Rhone

Seanbaby -

On your 'stupid' page next to the picture of the man holding the sign saying 'god hates fags' you interpreted the quote from the Book of Romans well but concluded incorrectly that the Bible does not say that God hates fags.

I do not believe in the Bible and am disgusted by the things in it but I have studied it, in this area particularly, in part motivated by what happened to Matthew Shepard. The quote unquote bible reasoning (oxymoron that, haha) behind "God hates fags" is as follows:

homosexuals are fags - Amos 4:11
fags are the worst sinners before God - Deuteronomy 23:17-18
god hates this type of sinner - Psalm 5:5

Those three are just a small sampling; it seems that 50% of what went on in the "prophets" minds were anti-gay things when you read the Bible. Every damned (sic) book has like thirty lines insulting them in various ways.

Not that it isn't worth making fun of the fucking idiots that hold up those signs, but at least they know what it means to be a christian. The ones who claim God loves everyone are ignorant AND stupid, not just stupid and ignorant.

Saint, as a biblical scholar, you seem to be making sense, but making sense out of the Bible is like painting a picture with stuff you find in a mental patient's diaper. The end result might be okay, but you probably should have started with something a little less insane and disgusting. I say toss the thing in the goodwill bookdrop and start spending your time analyzing something worthwhile like spring break movies.

"it's a cute site to"
From: Sirena Ramirez
your site

I visited your site today. and just wanted to know if the guy on it was you? because he is very cute? and it's a cute site to.

I like how there are people out there that think I'm "very cute?", but it's too bad they're the kind of people who have to have their parents open their pudding for them.

Hello! Call us PopTart Jr. and Cave-In! We're here to rescue you with love!
UPDATE: I actually saw this tiny midget at the circus when they came to Portland. His name is Mishu and the ringmaster said he was 33" tall. I wanted to get a picture of him, but they hide him away after the circus because he looks so much like food.

"I have to deal on a daily basis with people who fuck stuffed animals"
From: Ken Harris
Subject: i love you, but i must speak out

Listen SB, I don't need another reason to seek out a mountain retreat in the wiles of Tibet. Next time you feel the need to publish something as fucking insane as your latest fruit-pie ad, keep it to your damn self. I have to deal on a daily basis with people who fuck stuffed animals and eat shit for sexual pleasure, the last thing I need is "I'll have to change my name to RESOL (Spell it backwards and you'll know what I mean)." I realise (gay british spelling) that you are trying as hard as you can, but TROU don't need to be reminded that the whole retarded world is going to hell in a Pokemon-fan-fic-porn homepage.
I understand that something like Green Lantern and the Fruit Pie Scene probably killed or institutionalized dozens of people. I understand it made women cry, made men sterile, and made fat people hungry. But when you're crouching in a trench holding your friend while alien chemical weapons melt his face off, you'll know what I've done. You won't panic. You'll look into the fiery blacked-out sky and say, "You think you scare me, space scum? I've already been through hell with Green Lantern, Mr. Fish, and Seanbaby."

You thought I was just trying to make you people laugh? Hell no. I've been saving you from fucking aliens with every stupid word you read.

From: Sue DeNims

If you were three inches tall, I'd put you in my pocket.
If you were the Atlantic Ocean, I'd put on Concrete Nikes.
If you were the 3rd of July, I'd put a big red mark on my calender next to it.
If you were a ham sandwich,I'd gladly re-enact Mama Cass's death.
If you were Shooby Dooby Doo Wop, I'd buy a guitar.
If you were salt, I'd eat more fries and less celery.
Just trying to say that I like the website.
You make me laugh until my fall backwards.
Kiss Kiss.
Right: The BEST Nose Hair Trimmer, as honored by the Hammacher Schlemmer Institute. How can poetry as beautiful as Sue's live in the same world where people not only put power tools up their nose, but there's an institute that's in charge of judging how well they do while they're up there?

I might be too drunk on Sue's love to think this through the right way, but how do you judge a nose hair trimmer? I guess you can write down how bald the inside of your nose is after you're done with it. You could count how many wounds it left. You could maybe stick it in a tomato after you're done and see how well it goes through it. But then how do you judge the next nose hair trimmer? There's no hair left to trim in your nose, Hammacher Schlemmer. Do you wait the 2 months for your hair to grow back? Nose hair trimmer testing has to be one of the most specialized jobs ever. You either have to find someone who can regrow hair faster than an unwrapped loaf of bread, or get someone who doesn't mind swabbing the inside of their nose with minoxodil for a living. The whole concept of nose hair trimmers is stupid. Is it really worth your $24.95 to make sure your boogers have a more spacious living room? Because that's all you're going to impress with a hairless nostril. If you seriously have hair dangling out the bottom of your nose, you don't need specialized devices to get rid of it. You need some scissors or the balls to stick your nose near the lawnmower. Or better yet, pack up your bonk clubs and your bearskin bathrobe and get your unfrozen ass back to the damn zoo, Thundarr.

From: 'Lord' Rev. Dr. Paul Soth
Goofball image for/of you...

I recently rented WWF Smackdown for my PSX, had some fun with the create a wrestler feature, played it for the past two nights, hooked up the PSX to my video scanner, and came up with this image. People have said that you should be in a video game...

Oh, and i've managed to make you the Heavyweight Champion, the Intercontinental Champion, the European Champion, the Hardcore Champion, and one half of the Tag Team Champion. I just wish i managed to get some shots of 'you' talking to and beating up other wrestlers backstage.

'Lord' Rev. Dr. Paul Soth
Sephiroth: Agent of AGSF
You remember how people used to tell us that winners don't use drugs? They were kidding. People on steroids win almost every time against people who aren't on steroids. Remember Ben Johnson? They might have taken his gold medal, but he still ran the fastest. Here in Oregon, we're against that crap. We make our visiting athletes pee in cups. And since everyone in the WWF has beef hormone shakes for breakfast, they aren't allowed in the state. But we do get Portland Championship Wrestling. It's not quite WWF. It's the kind of wrestling where you might see the guy that drove your bus there show up in the ring. Everyone looks like someone's dad decided to put on his blue underwear and hit his neighbor with a chair. Sometimes WWF wrestlers miss matches because their private jet is stuck in Tahiti or they got VD from one of the girls on Baywatch. In Portland, wrestlers miss matches when their pickup doesn't start or when their manager makes them work late at the RC Cola factory. But we love it. And after an hour or two at the bar, we believe every slap of it.

(above right) That's me and my pals (Claudia, Tim, Anthony) posing with PCW superstar, Smart Bart Sawyer. You might not be able to tell, but 5 minutes before some guy took this polaroid, Bart got handcuffed to a chair and I got called into the ring to shave his hair off. And he was pissed about it. The guys before me took most of his forehead off, and I think I saw his brain. When I poked it, it made his left leg kick. I stuck my gum in there when I thought no one was looking, so put your money on the other guy next time. I have a feeling Bart's going to be a little fucked up.