From: "Jason" (
Subject: intelligence

I'm guessing this kid looks like this, only with a giant oversized brain.
My, it's so nice to find an intelligent person. They are very rare. Not that I am saying that you are, or that I am either, but I would assume that you are one of the few, the proud, the marines. No, not that at all. Your article on sarcasm was quite well-said. The cynicism made me laugh several times. You have a nice site. I would also assume you get many e-mails from people who agree that you are cool, funny, and intelligent. I am fond of your reference of a "Fight Club" line. That is the best movie I have ever seen. Some of the topics and views expressed in the movie were frighteningly close to how I see the world. Seeing it made me believe that there was someone like me in the world who wrote a script to a movie. Now I find that someone who shares at least some of my philosophies with me, in you. Were I inspired, I would likely have a site much like yours. But now I find you have made a site which I feel is of the type which the world requires, so I will not expend the effort. The over-abundance of morons is astounding to me, as it seems it is to you. Stupid people inherently breed more than intelligent people, thus advancing the problem to almost uncontrollable levels. I rant to my friends and anyone else I can find quite often just to get the thoughts which consume my brain-power out and voiced; though I'm not sure why.

Have you read Henrik Ibsen's play, "An Enemy of the People?" I recommend it. It is truly worth the short time it takes to read. It is not long, and it is probably easily available. It is not exceptional, but I agreed with several points made by the Ibsen through the character Dr. Stockmann. Thanks for providing the world with the site. I feel fortunate to have read it. By the way, you suck. If you understand, then you won't be offended. If you are offended when I tell you that you are a piece of shit, then I have mistakenly judged you to be a person whose personality is much like my own. Also, have you tried not watching TV at all for several months, then watching again? When you do, the stupidity of it all will shock you if you are not through being shocked by peoples' stupidity. You will end up asking why people make commercials, how they are selling their product, and why they are so fucking stupid. Unintelligence really bothers me.
With all the teachers and talking toys available today, I shouldn't have to tell you this, but there's more to being intelligent than not liking TV. And if some of the topics and views expressed in the movie Fight Club were frighteningly close to yours, I hope you use the space left in your brain where TV trivia would normally be to think about this: "You based your anti-establishment attitude on a $100 million dollar movie that showed at the mall, and your greatest intellectual achievement is when you noticed commercials were stupid."

Fight Club was a great movie. I own it on fuck-you-authority DVD, and on kiss-this-Bill-Gates paperback. And I'm sure some people got charmed into thinking they should live the life of a violent transient destroying people's property and secretly peeing in their food. Like you, for example. But the movie's anti-The-Man message is the Special Olympics of philosophy. You should hate The Man for oppressing your freedom or legislating stupidity. You shouldn't hate the Establishment for offering delicious gourmet coffee or building you safe reliable automobiles. And while you're typing from your fuck-The-Man PC on your underground-rebellion microsoft hotmail account, keep in mind that you were excited enough you had something in common with a fictional hobo anarchist that you had to write a stranger to tell them. So you might have a heart attack when you hear this -- that's not really what Alexander Graham Bell had in mind when he invented the word "intelligent." Or when he improved it to be the "George Foreman Fat-Burning Intelligent Deluxe."

Also, you might not have read a play about this, and so haven't formed an opinion about it yet, but everyone thinks commercials are stupid and shocking with stupidity. Even the unwashed masses of unintelligent people that have never seen Fight Club hate commercials. It's why the Pepsi girl needs 25 body guards.

Subject: Aol?

Just curious, what sort of stereotype do AOL users have? I don't get your AOL jokes. And the last joke you made was from a Geocities site. Is this like my friend who makes fun of me cause "windows is for amateurs, Linux is the only real OS." duh. sorry. Also, may i steal a banner or two for a link?
Victor Ward
AOL is an online community built for people that needed the thinking engine of an online community to get their shoes tied. Then they type about their achievement in their diary. And then they write poetry about that. Then they take that poem, add a unicorn and Hanson, and adapt it into a dazzling essay about how they're against racism and murder. Boys will call these "rants," and girls call them "musings." Either way, they'll be lucky to spell eight words right per page, which is the exact same number of little Homer Simpson heads you'll find. All of this should have been covered in the pamphlet that came with your free CD.

You brought up a good point about not getting jokes, though. It's because AOL refuses service to people with a sense of humor. That's why AOL users are required by law to include laughter-abbreviations or little smiley faces in the place where a normal person might put a joke. :>)

It's sad when a person needs to write in to figure out their own stereotype, and since I already gave a pair of new gloves to the Association of Mouth and Foot Painters today, I'm not going to tell you anymore about yourself. But here's an I-swear-to-christ randomly selected AOL letter from my mailbox that might help you figure out the capabilities of an AOL user:
Debiblu... no. No, I am not the person you should be sending this to. And if you ever find the person you should be sending this to, let me know. Because I'm going to put them out of their fucking misery.
Subject: Tweetoe Bird Advertising Twinkies

Let me know if you are the person I should be sending this to please.
I had a cute idea for Tweetie Bird to sell Twinkies. Tweetie could say:
I tought I taw a Twinkie, I did I did tee or taw a Twinkie or something like that. I just think it would be a great idea.
Please reply.

Subject: from one of your users - my lawyer will be contacted

(That's all Mr. MikeTaylor101 said. The rest of his email was this forwarded message:)
Are you a fucking retard? If you actually find someone dumb enough to pay $6000 for your fucking PS2, then you should feel like shit for ass-raping someone that badly. If not, you should feel like shit for being dumb enough to think that someone would buy your PS2 when about 7 billion other people have one for $500 or less. Just thought I'd let you know how much of a moron you were.
Now that you can get a free email account with my name on it, I get a lot of angry notes from people who got angry notes. Evidently the people who read my site are dicks. Sometimes totally right, but still dicks. I don't know for sure what Mr. MikeTaylor101 is going to do when he calls his lawyer, but I made this Kick to the Groin Comic based on my speculations:

From: Aaron Pieper
Subject: Q-Bert! What's up with this guy?

Q-Bert. The most phallic of all video game characters. He's a big orange ball, with a 6-inch nose with only one nostril. Need I say more.
Good one, Aaron. Something looks like a dick. So do thousands of other things. Ask any proctologist responsible for pulling dick-shaped things out of people's assholes. Next time you make yourself my assistant dickspotter, try to have a joke in your cock joke. Or to save time, please just don't help. Maybe you could send a letter to Jerry Seinfeld that says, "What's the deal with airplane food? It is not as good as regular food need i say more." Or bug Tim Allen with a note that says, "Men and women!? Could their priorities in life BE any more different? Helloooo!???"

And now that I think about it, even in the darkest horror of Japanese cinema, I've never seen a dick that's a 6-inch nose with feet coming out of the center of one single giant ball. Do you even know what a dick is?

From: Armand A Riendeau
Subject: hey

Hey, love you're page. One thing though: you're not gay for playing Barbie. I have also played it, beat it, and then tried to find a good purpose for the cartage. I still have yet to find one.
Please reply.
Wow. A video game really can't turn you gay. Captain Genius, if you couldn't tell I was kidding when I said that, then you might not have known that is not an encyclopedia. A lot of the references to insane or impossible things you read here are actually me joking. Except the parts where I talk about killing politicians. Those parts are way way true.

Subject: good going

Hey Seanbaby
Good to see that Christianity is so prominent in your thinking. The most intelligent Christians went through a period of trashing Christianity before they made the leap. The Apostle Paul, for example.

I mean, I've been a Christian a long time and I totally agree with you about that guy with the rainbow hair. And that R9.13 thing -- you're right on target. There are Christians and then there are Christians, but of course you know that.

You've got a great mind, Sean. Hopefully it won't be long now until you put it to work on something with eternal significance.


Above: Three members of the christian rock group Stryper, star of the following cool thing to say to missionaries: "Oh you're Christian? Like Stryper, the band? Does that mean you're filled with each other's semen too? ha ha ha!"
Thanks, Don. You're right-- I don't believe in God. That means, by definition, I've GOT TO BE Christian! And you wrote me a letter about it. That means, by definition, that you want to have sex with little fat boys.

I'd say you were history's greatest preacher if I didn't already know that you stole all your techniques straight from The Complete Idiot's Guide to Converting Sinners But Still Staying an Idiot. (excerpt below)

Chapter 8: Shaming Them Into the Lord's Arms
The Complete Idiot's Guide to Converting Sinners But Still Staying an Idiot
Hi again brother! Our religion doesn't sell itself like Buddhism. Christianity is ridiculous, retarded, contradictory, and with all the useless recruiting Jesus wants, it's a lot like selling Amway for an idiot emperor that doesn't exist. That's why lost children can be stubborn, and it's up to you to make sure they find God's love whether they like it or not.

If someone can't catch the spirit of the lamb of God, call them a pussy. Say, "I knew you were too big a pussy to sing about zoo animals at our campfire."

If this doesn't work, continue to imply to others that he is a giant vagina more strenuously: "This guy still believes in dinosaurs! He's such a huge pussy, he probably has to buy an extra plane seat-- for his clitoris!"

If this still hasn't shepherded the lost sheep, shove him three times then stop and say, "I'd push you some more, pussy, maybe into oblivion, but I don't want to smell like vagina at the Funwater Religious Rafting Retreat. So bye."

From: African Retail Traders
Subject: antirape underwear

i would like to purchase the anti-rape underwear. Where can i buy one?
Would you mail an order?
Let me tell you something-- if you're ever writing to a non panties distributor, like for example -me- desperately trying to get anti-rape underwear delivered to you, it's time to move. And lock your tent while you pack because something is wrong with the place you live.

I say forget about the padlocks on your panties for now and take care of the little things like getting water with no hepatitis in it. The people of Africa don't need metal underwear; they need edible underwear, or better yet, edible food. Or better yet, an edible machine that can make more food out of sand. Or better yet still, a huge edible cannon that can launch people within reach of a garden. Keep in mind that my only expertise in African ecology is in the area of being a suspected panties retailer.

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