Adventures of Sam Spade: "Death on the Speedway"

Judy and Jim Defy Savage Gorilla

Captain Tootsie Traps Killer Bear with Invisible Light

Captain Tootsie and the Radar Rescue

Wheaties: "Breakfast of Champions" With Milk and Fruit

The illustrator may have forgotten to draw the rest of the soldiers, but it's more likely that during the noisy cereal discussion, the rest of the squad was taken out by enemy snipers.
To be fair to Wheaties and their awesome racism, this ad came out during a a point in our nation's history where it was patriotic to use racial slurs. Like Ford Motor Company's 1951 campaign, "So simple to drive, a gook woman could do it-- if her people didn't have flippers." Or the campaign from the late forties, "Italians fuck their sisters for money; use Colgate."

Years ago, I was selected by Knight Rider to defend the planet Knight Rider, so obviously, my extensive military background makes it difficult to look at combat tactics from the same point of view as racist Wheaties marketing civilians. That being said, this trap seems really fucking stupid, even for a comic book ad. A box of cereal in middle of the trail? Why not station troops next to quicksand disguised as jungle pandas and have them sing, "Jump in quicksand, yum yum!" And Wheaties is saying that this, leaving a cereal box out, is a big step up for Japanese military intelligence. What was their trap before, just leaving a cupcake out on a landmine? Actually, I don't mind this part about the Japanese being stupid, because I'm all for villainizing whatever evil people we're at war with. In fact, check this out: the Japs probably left the cereal there because they couldn't figure out how to pour milk with chopsticks.

Diagram 17-a.
What I take issue with is that despite their brilliance in quickly identifying the booby trap, no one thinks there’s anything wrong with giving a 10 minute soliloquy about all the wonders of its bait. When Knight Rider and I were racing through the Rocket Cosmos and we came across a bag of pasta wired to a thermal astrobomb, I did not turn to him and exclaim, "If only the fiends hadn't booby trapped that macaroni! Why, Knight Rider, it's loaded with nutrtion and with some trusty know-how and an old timey paste pot, we could make our dames wigstands they'd flip for! Why, they'd be so fancy, those space Chinamen might forget all about this crazy old war, boy oh boy!” I'd either get killed by my own TALKING CAR or given the Congressional Medal of Insanity.

History has shown that the most common use of a time machine is to get kicked out of the mall with Genghis Kahn and Socrates (See Diagram 17-a), but if I had one, this ad makes me think I might like to go back and live in a time where the horrors of war were a whimsical part of my complete breakfast.

Also, check out this other Wheaties ad I found: that fucker's learning Jap Lingo! Wang chong bing bong, buddy! That means good luck, maybe!

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