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3: Custer's Revenge
Atari 2600



Get ready for liberty, slut, because God's Great America has just dropped its pants! Yee-HAW!
Custer's Revenge is a dramatic historical recreation of the battle of Little Big Horn, slightly rewritten to appeal to our adult fantasies. Instead of being killed by the savage godless Sioux and Cheyanne Indians, Custer wades through a hail of arrows to hump a woman tied to a cactus. I know what you're saying: finally, I can use our country's bloodiest military disaster as foreplay!

Eroticism: 2/10
The way Custer's manhood dangles and sways in the wind in perfect rhythm with his pink scarf creates an image more majestic than any Montana sky. However, the Native American he's sexually assaulting sort of looks like a cocktail weinie on a toothpick. Concerned parents might be wondering how to explain this level of intense sexuality to your children. Well, the Custer's Revenge manual advises, "If the kids catch you and should ask, tell them Custer and the maiden are just dancing." This advice is moot, though; since if you're the kind of parent who jerks it to what looks like a gay cowboy humping a hot dog made out of legos, you're probably reading this far, far away from the safe location to which child services has moved your children.


To their credit, these two people involved in a horrific sexual assault under a hail of deadly arrows seem to be making the best of the situation. They're all smiles!
Nudity Challenge: 3/10
Getting across the screen to score points with your pelvis is mostly a matter of luck since if you see an arrow is coming at you, you usually can't move fast enough get out of its way. Also, cactuses appear randomly to skewer your wang without warning. These are both formidable obstacles on your noble quest, but the real challenge must have come when Custer had to convince the seventh cavalry to go through with this operation.

Custer: "Gentlemen, you are the bravest squadron of men it has ever been this southerner's privilage to serve with. And you will need that bravery today, as your orders are to remove my pants and underpants. I will then attempt to force sex on an Indian girl under heavy enemy fire. Are there any questions?"

Custer's military advisor: "Yes, general. Several."

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