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5: Cho Eniki
Playstation
Sensitivity training has shown that whatever a person chooses to hump is a valid and beautiful lifestyle, but when you're designing games where the main boss is a pyramid of men in bikinis launching skittles out of their mouths, it's time to take some of those dicks out of your mouth.
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It was inevitable that a Japanese game designer would follow their Japanese/English dictionary along a trail of mistranslation leading from "happy" to "whimsical" to "gay" and finally to "fucking hell, that is ass-demolishing gay." It looks like that's what happened here. Cho Eniki is a cross between Gradius and lubricated men having sex with each other. You start the game as a nine-story flying man in a speedo firing lasers out of your viking hat, and yes you read the beginning of this sentence correctly. After a few minutes of this, you are transported to a dimension of pure homoerotica. You swim through the air with your two nude male assistants, who follow beside you and recline into various sexy positions. The three of you fight off hordes of tiny chariots filled with naked men, rocket-powered dildos with naked men dangling from them, and giant naked men using other giant naked men as pogo sticks. And if you think that sounds awesome, get a load of this: you are a gay homosexual.
If you get to the end of the level without enough phaser power-ups, one or both of your naked men will fall in love with the stage boss and abandon you. And there are no words to describe the betrayal you'll feel when you're left for an insane pile of homoerotic space homo.
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Eroticism: 0/10
Let me try to paint this baby-oil massage of a mental picture: The first boss is a monstrously huge man wearing a metal sphere for a codpiece. As you blast it, a second phallic-shaped man comes out of his crotch and tries to jab you with his stretching penis-arms and penis-head. While this is all going on, humpy jazz music is being mixed with the sounds of a woman panting. That sound you're hearing is probably you screaming, either from homophobic panic or from someone putting things up your ass.
Nudity Challenge: 0/10
The game itself isn't that hard if you know what you're doing. The only tough part is keeping your hand-eye coordination when things like a severed head riding a penis tries to kill you. Plus, even if you're terrible at it, and can't unlock the later, gayer levels, the game's intro features all the grinning, posing naked men you could ever want. It's not the worst shooter ever made, but it is the worst to advocate putting your mouth on a man's asshole, and that's a good way for an impressionable kid to catch dysentery.
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