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4: Beat 'em & Eat 'em
Atari 2600



The sexy ladies of Beat 'em and Eat 'em lick their lips after catching a wave of airborne semen.

Closeup: Note their sexy five o'clock shadow. Holy baby Jesus, am I the only one getting a mean hard-on from this?
The object of Beat 'em & Eat 'em is simple. You control two naked women who run back and forth trying to catch falling semen in their mouth. You might ask why someone would do something like that. Well, the manual says that each drop of this stranger's seed "could have been a famous doctor or lawyer." The problem with that, and this is an actual medical fact, is that whether you swallow sperm from the sky or let it splatter all over the sidewalk, it's going to give you the same number of famous baby lawyers - zero. Also, if someone is masturbating off a roof onto people's heads, chances are he's not the best gene stock. I suppose we shouldn't expect the designers of a game about a penis with a head stroking itself to be geniuses, but what happens when they settle down with their Beat 'em and Eat 'em royalties and want to have children? "You're still not pregnant, honey? Are you even eating the sperm I'm squirting off the roof?"

Eroticism: 1/10
There's something non-erotic about skipping past the courting, past the foreplay, past the actual sex, and getting straight to the sperm-swallowing. They might as well have skipped directly to sleeping on the wet spot.

Nudity Challenge: 8/10
This game gets hard. I don't know how long this naked fruitcake on the roof has been without coitus, but his balls have a hell of a lot of germ waiting to be spurted free. As the game goes on, his seed falls like the god damn rain and catching all of it in your mouth requires a miracle of perversion and reflexes. However, for each falling wave of future doctors you manage to swallow, you're rewarded with a disgusting animation of the women licking their lips. And due to the primitive graphics of the 2600, their attempt at drawing lips made it look like they have full beards. As if you weren't horrified enough, now you have to deal with the fact that these are probably MEN who are going to carry your lawyer spawn to term.

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