3: UGO buys our love!
Let me tell you about how rich UGO is. Those
guys have two customized A-Team supervans that play video games out the side. They hired a
Jim Carrey look alike just for us to throw things at. At least that's what I think - I
hope it wasn't to make us all happy. The only people that really liked that guy were the
foreigners. They may not have been able to speak English well enough to find the right
bathroom, but they knew every catch phrase from Ace Ventura. "Don't go in THERE!
Ha ha ha!" "ARRRRRRRRRR-RIGHTY THEN!" He should have told them
to stop screaming at him, but the Jim Carrey guy was just happy it wasn't another person
throwing something at his eye.
UGO put us up at the Hotel Avalon in Beverly Hills, and we were lucky enough to land the
cab with the driver who not only didn't know where Beverly Hills was, but didn't seem to
know what numbers and street names are used for. As he drove us closer and closer to
Canada, he kept trying to make excuses. "Oh. I not hear you. Me no know where is
because I have cold. It is hard drive for me because my cousin is adopted." He
finally got us there after we had systematically eliminated every street in Beverly Hills
by driving down it.
Sean: "Hey, Erik. Give me a dollar. I have an idea. Here, cab driver Wang! Big five
hundred dollars bill! It should cover the ride! Keep the change, my friend!"
Cab Driver: "What this shit is this? That only one dollar."
Sean: "Oh, so now you understand my country's numbers?"
Cab Driver: "You pay, USA!"
Sean: "Chet. Kick his ass."
Chet: "It's lunch time. FOR MY FIST!" [Chet doesn't make a lot of sense when
he's trying to be a badass. One time he told a guy in a bar to BAKE THIS CAKE, BAKER MAN.
Erik and I left to check into the room, and when we came back out, Chet had used his
caveman instincts to make us all boots from the hide of the former cab driver. Perfect!
Just in time for E3. Chet: "I also took a crap on him. You should probably put that
in the article."
I don't know why I went to the E3 thing. I haven't liked a video game since 1985. Now
games are just the CD loading broken up by a hotpants chick with huge fake tits. Thanks,
game designers, but I don't need your fat asses to turn my playstation into a simulation
of a long drive to the strip bar. Besides, couldn't you at least try to trick me with the
boobs? Lara Croft looks like she jammed party hats down her shirt. I've drawn tits on
urinals that look more real than that. Shit, I've seen tit-shaped crackers that tricked me
I haven't done anything but play video games since 1985. What's worse, I
hate them. But I can't help it. It's like a facial tic, except it covers my
whole body and takes up all my time. UGO treated Sean and Chet very well. But
they didn't even know who Mark and I were. They gave Sean and Chet hotel rooms and
rides in their Humvee and fancy rap sneakers. Mark and I got a pack of UGO matches.
"To share," the UGO rep told us. Then he must have thought we
didn't hear him because he said it again: "that's for you two to share."
That's Mark and I with our matches. I asked the UGO lady to take a closeup of the
matchbook, but she wouldn't do it. The matchbook in the insert is one I found on
Ebay - where apparently you really can sell anything - but it gives you a good idea of the
general dimensions of our UGO matchbook. In case you want to describe it to people
who don't have the Internet.
So I didn't go to E3 for the video games.
I went for Gary Coleman. Gary was at UGO's booth because they're rich and he's fucking
Gary Coleman. If there was ever a celebrity that I wanted to strap to my back and learn to
use the Force from, it's him.
Also, those annoying Olsen girls are
starting to get pretty hot. I don't know if they're old enough for me to be saying shit
like that, but someone's making them up like barflies in tube tops and leather pants, so
it's not really my fault. Did you know they were in a video game? Neither did anybody in
the world besides four bored 10 year old girls with Game Boys. Two underage actresses from
movies no one's heard of were promoting a game no one's going to buy. They were just two
hooker-looking specks at the end of a three mile line of autograph seekers. (pictured at
the right: I think it's the one that played the indian in How the West was FUN!)