Part 7: Hey You! Pikachu!

Mark and Erik move on to the giant Nintendo booth where they play the latest Pokemon game, "Hey You, Pikachu!" The woman to the right was in charge of helping people play it and using her willpower to hold back her deadly hair from entangling and killing children.

As if no one noticed, whoever's in charge of making Pokemon things is completely insane. In this game, you attach a microphone to the Nintendo and scream orders at chubby, adorable Pikachu. Maybe it's an early version or something, but they might as well have stuck chocolate to your controller, because that yellow kitten sure as fuck doesn't listen to the microphone.

Out of frustration and excitement, Erik screamed, "Hump the blue one!" and turned Hey You, Pikachu into one of the coolest games ever. It was like Pikachu was waiting all day for someone to scream that. It threw down its little fishing pole and did things the crowd had never seen animals do even with two sets of genitals, much less none.

Mark asked the Nintendo Sasquatch whether he could use the Gameboy Camera to map a picture of his face onto the blue pokemon. "Then it would be like Pikachu was screwing me," he explained to the lady. Erik added, "and then I could import my face onto Pikachu and it'd be like I'm screwing Mark."

The fun was cut short when an old Asian man walked up and carefully said, "Please stop. You make my daughter cry."

Erik: "Get the thing, Pikachu!

Mark: "He's not listening."

Erik: "Say... Pretty Bird! Pretty Bird!"

Mark: "You suck, Erik."

Erik: "Pikachu! Kind of dance around a little bit!"

Mark: "It's working! It's working!"

Erik: "Stay yellow!"

Mark: "Hey, everybody! Erik's breaking the record!"

Pikachu: FAARRRRT!

Erik spun to face him. "Look ... What was the name of the guy who trained Remo Williams?"

The old man thought for a moment, then replied, "The name was Chiun."

"Look, Chiun, tell your kid to shut her savory pancake hole before I tell Pikachu to shut it for her," Erik said, then threatened to make good on his threat by putting the microphone up near his mouth.

After the old man and his daughter left in a big hurry, the booth lady told Erik to tell Pikachu that he hated him.

Erik: "That'd be great, except for one thing: I love Pikachu."

Sasquatch: "Come on, just do it."

Erik: "No. I love you Pikachu."


Sasquatch: "I bet your friend'll do it."

Mark: "No way. I'm scared of Pikachu."

Erik: "Pikachu! Kill Mark!"

Mark: "AHH! That's not funny, man."

Sasquatch: "If you do it, I'll let you map my face onto the blue one."

Sasquatch: "You hate Pikachu, eh? According to the terms of your E3 pass, you're now banned from the exhibits and have to leave."

Mark: "You're kidding, right?"

Sasquatch: "I'm kidding. You can't be kicked out for hating Pikachu. But you did use Pikachu to threaten a minor, which I am kicking you out for. Security!"

And that's how Mark and Erik were banned from all the good parts of E3 within ten minutes of arriving.