Dragon Lance: Heroes of the Lance. I don't know if I should be insulted that someone thought I would want to play this or amazed that its creators haven't been beaten to death by angry consumers. It's the story of eight characters going on a quest to probably kill some dragon or something for experience points and magic potions. Every time I play it, I end up hallucinating and building a hat out of tin cans. Then I attack people with a paper towel roll screaming, "I'm a chaotic evil half elf dwarf fighter! Rahhrrr!" And no matter how many of my friends I kill, I still have yet to raise a level.

It's a good thing you have all eight of your inept fighters in Heroes of the Lance, since the controls are so bad, you'll probably run a few into pits or get killed by a little bald man half your size while you sit and wonder why your guy isn't attacking and/or jumping. You also need each of the eight guys since they're all specialists. Some are much better at dying within a fewer number of hits. Some have a blue hat instead of a green one. There are other important differences like, according to the statistics, some are more charismatic than others. Be sure to keep track of this important character trait in case you ever figure out which button is the "Seduce Monster" button. I couldn't find it.

My cartridge has been missing ever since I rubbed that potion of invisibility on it, so if anyone finds it, please return it to:
Chuck's Auto Scrap Yard
187 Minare Road
Moscow, ID 83843
Please include a note on it that says, "Destroy for 400 Experience Points, you bitch."

What are you laughing at? You act like you've never seen a woman being kicked in the shins by an angry hobbit before.

Graphics: 0 Ass, a myserious stranger said this about the game's graphics: "I have seen many terrible things in my life. I've watched a man chew his own leg off to escape a rusty bear trap. I've seen animals burning alive, bleating to me for help. I've seen things that could turn a man's soul black. But nothing could prepare me for Heroes of the Lance."
After this short speech, Ass returned to the shadows.
Fun: 0 I consider myself less fun for having played this game.
Irrational Temper: 9 After picking up a small spoon, the Heroes of the Lance cartridge charged at me furiously. It leapt through the air and struck me hard on the temple. I fought to maintain consciousness as I brought my rolling pin down fiercely on its plastic frame.
"I can't beat it here. Not in its envirornment. Got to lure it onto the dancefloor," I thought outloud.
"Your clever plans can't save you now, Seanbaby. You'll die here! So sayeth, Heroes of the Lance(tm)!!!" screamed the game, now wearing a little belt. It seemed to look into my soul. It was a deadly opponent, but I couldn't give up. What would Flash Gordon think?
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