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#3: Fight for Life (Jaguar) Sometimes when a group of people try to come up with a great idea for a video game, they instead decide to give up and take a tired idea and make it stupider. That's what happened here. It's the story of eight dead people fighting in the "Spectre Zone," where the winner gets to face the son of the devil for a chance to come back to life. And judging by how well they fight, they're hoping to rise from the dead, so they can get back to their old jobs as Special Olympics equipment managers. Due to what I'm assuming was some kind of error, nobody told the guy in charge of making the backgrounds that the game was set in hell. The fighters will go from tropical jungles to Manhattan as if Satan was announcing the tournament, "Fight for your soul in the deepest bowels of HADES!!! And also... beautiful scenic Arizona!"
Here's one more unique combat feature: if you push the attack button while you're crouching, and you're lucky enough for the controls to notice, your character will first stand up, and then try to hit the area six inches in front of their own face. Crouching is just a useless option you can use if you want to look like a duck before you stand up and punch. And since we've already established that you're stupid enough to be playing Fight For Life, that's entirely possible. Graphics: 1/10 If the Jaguar has 64 bits, then they used 60 of them for crap, and four for someone to step in that crap spread it around with their shoe. I found a handheld football game in a dumpster in 1979 that looked better than this. Fun 0/10 Have you ever stepped on a nail during a seminar about trends in hydraulic pump insurance? If so, then keep doing it. It's more fun than this electronic wasteland. Contribution to a Failure: 9/10 There are so many video game systems that failed for subtle reasons like marketing or sunspots. That's not the case with the Jaguar. The Jaguar deserved to fail. In fact, the Jaguar didn't fail hard enough. If any of the people responsible for the Atari Jaguar are not currently begging for cigarettes at a bus station, there is no justice in the world. Next... |
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