20: Extreme Sports With the Berenstein Bears

19: Bible Adventure

18: Kriss Kross: Make My Video

17: Bubsy 3D

16: Bad Street Brawler

15: Total Recall

14: Rapjam Volume One

13: AIRCARS

12: Night Trap

11: Heroes of the Lance

10: Revolution X

9: Custer's Revenge

8: White Men Can't Jump

7: Superman 64

6: Legend of Zelda: Wand of Gamelon

5: Virtuoso

4: Captain Novolin

3: Fight For Life

2: Club Drive

1: E.T. The Extraterrestrial





Back to the NES Page
Back to Seanbaby.com


#11: Advanced Dungeons & Dragons: Dragonlance: Heroes of the Lance (NES)

You play the part of eight adventurers on a quest they'll never finish. Mostly because you'll outgrow your Dungeons and Dragons phase before their slow asses can get all the way across the screen. And also because they're so clumsy they'll probably kill themselves with their own swords before they ever meet a monster.


Above: This here is about how far I got in AD&D:D:HOTL. I just hope my colleagues at the heroes guild don't find out that I failed my magic quest because the controls are so bad, the only button that worked was the "Calmly watch midget kick me in the shins" button.
You might ask yourself why you need eight characters. Well, each of them has a special title like Thief or Magic User which can often has as dramatic an effect as changing the color of their hat. But in addition to having different names, they each have their own "Charisma" rating, which should come in handy in case you get a defective cartridge where instead of slaughtering goblins, you invite them all to a romantic dinner party.

The real reason you need eight characters is because they doesn't listen to you when you tell them to do things. While you're getting slowly beaten to death by creatures half your size, the only thing you're in control of are your own wild speculations as to why hammering the buttons isn't making your guy do anything. And if you actually play past the first couple rooms, which is quite an intellectual leap for me to take since you won't, you'll get to a point where you have to hop over a pit. Most, if not all of your guys will probably run directly into it while they ignore your button that's supposed to make them jump. It sounds frustrating, but you won't miss them.

Graphics: 0/10
It would take all of history's greatest geniuses working in unison with history's greatest untreated sewage to come up with uglier graphics.

Fun: 0/10
Even if you do manage to cause your weapon's pixels to touch a monster's pixel, which is no small feat for someone with a non-responsive remote-control Frankenstein with a four inch knife, the monster is probably going to be okay since the game rolls an imaginary set of dice to see if you actually did damage. This is a lot like what it would be like if the Mario Brothers randomly exploded every few jumps. So if you do somehow practice to the point where you become world champion of remote-control Frankensteining, there's a high percentage chance that you'll still suck at Heroes of the Lance.

Teamwork: 0/10
While you control your chosen character, the other seven somehow vanish leaving you to get savagely kicked in the shins by yourself. It's hard to say where they go, but judging by how hard it is for you to move, I'd guess they're all strapped to your body. "It's my turn to fight the night's evil minions! Thief, form Swindling Codpiece! Wizard, strap yourself on and form Magician Pants! Dwarf, hug my torso to form Hobbit Sweater!"

Next...
NES & EGM    Kick to the Groin    Super Friends    Hostess Fruit Pies
Absoludicrous Video    Stupid Comic Ads    Classic

About the Site    Contact