20: Extreme Sports With the Berenstein Bears

19: Bible Adventure

18: Kriss Kross: Make My Video

17: Bubsy 3D

16: Bad Street Brawler

15: Total Recall

14: Rapjam Volume One


12: Night Trap

11: Heroes of the Lance

10: Revolution X

9: Custer's Revenge

8: White Men Can't Jump

7: Superman 64

6: Legend of Zelda: Wand of Gamelon

5: Virtuoso

4: Captain Novolin

3: Fight For Life

2: Club Drive

1: E.T. The Extraterrestrial

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#13: AIRCARS (Jaguar)

"Beepbeep! This is AIRCAR unit BX9. Amount of surrounding video gaming excitement... causing circuits to overload. Beepbeep. This unit is... totally kidding."
To keep an evil organization from taking over the world, your spies have stolen the secret plans for a nuclear AIRCAR. I think there was a mixup, though; and instead of stealing the plans for a supercar from a top secret agency, it looks like they stole the plans for a bathtub from a top secret waste basket.

The game is especially challenging since your top secret AIRCAR turns around slower than a team of Amish pilots steering a barn, and you usually don't get a chance to see an enemy tank before it's laser gun has had its way with your ass. Also, AIRCARS don't have brakes, so once you start accelerating, your only chance of survival is quickly putting in a different game. A typical AIRCARS adventure is you careening out of control through trees and waiting for your clumsy rolling bathtub to explode. If you are lucky enough to get an enemy tank in your sights, chances are you won't be able to stop before most of that tank has crashed through your windshield and landed on your lap. It's not much of a game, but maybe stuntment could one day use it as a virtual falling-down-the-stairs simulator.

That gray thing is either highly realistic smoke or the enemy tank had gray boulders for lunch and I shot the part of it that lets it keep control of its bowels.
Graphics: 0/10
It might surprise you that in a game this finely-tuned and complex, the graphics are quite bad. I think that a good portion of the seven or eight hours it took to make AIRCARS was spent devising that whole plot about stealing secret tank plans.

Fun: 1/10
If you're lucky enough to injure an enemy AIRCAR, the game tries to make it look hurt by having it leak a trail of smoke. At least I think it's supposed to be smoke. Thanks to the Atari Jaguar's amazing graphic capabilities and the amazing mental disabilities of the AIRCARS staff, half-destroyed tanks leak out a trail of giant gray balls. So don't be alarmed if you're playing the game and the evil government's tanks start laying eggs.

State-of-the-Art 3D Realism: 0/10
A lot of 3D games have been called "breath-taking and immersive" or more faggily, "a vast virtual wonderland." If you went back in time and killed all the people necessary to keep every single one of those games from ever existing, your lowered standards would still consider AIRCARS unbelievably shitty.

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