20: Extreme Sports With the Berenstein Bears

19: Bible Adventure

18: Kriss Kross: Make My Video

17: Bubsy 3D

16: Bad Street Brawler

15: Total Recall

14: Rapjam Volume One

13: AIRCARS

12: Night Trap

11: Heroes of the Lance

10: Revolution X

9: Custer's Revenge

8: White Men Can't Jump

7: Superman 64

6: Legend of Zelda: Wand of Gamelon

5: Virtuoso

4: Captain Novolin

3: Fight For Life

2: Club Drive

1: E.T. The Extraterrestrial





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#15: Total Recall (NES)

Your character in Total Recall, like the real Arnold, has an incredible arsenal of moves at his disposal: both a jump, and a sad thing he does with his wrist that sort of resembles a punch. You should be fine, though; since you're 300 pounds of highly trained muscle and not only are most of your enemies are midgets, and most of their attacks are harmlessly leaping over your head again and again.


What kind of balls does a midget in a pink jumpsuit need to have to tell his midget friends, "See that huge overly-muscled guy? I'm going to waddle over there and put my foot in his overly-muscled penis."
Some movies don't translate into Nintendo. For example, you'd have to really venture from the plot of Captain Corelli's Mandolin to turn it into a video game. Total Recall is not one of those movies. Arnold went from gunfight to gunfight surrounded by horrible mutants and explosives. You don't need to change a thing for that to be a good video game. In fact, you'd have to seriously fuck up for that not to be a good video game.

But instead of that, it looks the game decided to come up with its own "better" Total Recall plot. I don't remember the part of the movie where kids in purple top hats popped out of garbage cans with water balloon launchers, and I definitely don't remember the part where midgets in pink jumpsuits pulled Arnold into an alley to play leapfrog. But to be honest, all I really do remember in Total Recall is the alien hooker with three boobs.


Above: Helpful space mutant Kuato points out the Mars prostitute's three breasts.
Graphics: 1/10
Remember in the movie, there were those little psychic mutants in the faulty Mars domes that had half their faces melted off and had to be carried around in slimy baskets? Those creatures shit things prettier than this game.

Fun: 1/10
If the British made a musical sitcom based on Total Recall set in a flower shop owned by mimes, it would still be a better spinoff of Total Recall than this.

Public Swindling: 10/10
Whatever sadistic child torturers released this game knew they were selling garbage. They were just hoping you liked the movie enough to buy the game without checking with your own brain to see if you were buying digital dog shit. They might as well have made a bad game about fresh breath and prayed the public's unconditional love of fresh breath would make it a hit. And I can guarantee you, there is no way Fresh Breath: The Game could be worse than Total Recall the game.

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