20: Extreme Sports With the Berenstein Bears

19: Bible Adventure

18: Kriss Kross: Make My Video

17: Bubsy 3D

16: Bad Street Brawler

15: Total Recall

14: Rapjam Volume One


12: Night Trap

11: Heroes of the Lance

10: Revolution X

9: Custer's Revenge

8: White Men Can't Jump

7: Superman 64

6: Legend of Zelda: Wand of Gamelon

5: Virtuoso

4: Captain Novolin

3: Fight For Life

2: Club Drive

1: E.T. The Extraterrestrial

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#8: White Men Can't Jump (Jaguar)

Movies never quite translate into games correctly. White Men Can't Jump, the movie, was the definative film about high stakes street basketball gambling, and for the video game version of it, I was looking forward to fighting my way through the kingdom of the swamp people with a fire-basketball-throwing atomic Wesley Snipes. That's why it was so shocking that it's actually made the game about basketball. A game about basketball so bad that some electricity might refuse to power it.

Yeah! WHOOMP, you're right!
It's two on two basketball, which is is four players more than the programmers were ready to handle, and the camera has to constantly zoom in and out to keep all the players on the screen. I've found the game looks best if you zoom all the way out to somebody else's house where no one was stupid enough to buy an Atari Jaguar.

Thanks to the sloppy graphics and insane camera work, the hoop usually looks like a distant clump of Grape Nuts, so you can never tell whether you made a basket or not. The programmers seemed to know this, so to help you determine whether the ball went in, hardcore street basketball phrases appear at the top of the screen whenever you shoot. Unfortunately, the game developers must have hired 40 year old golfers at a French country club to write their hardcore street slang. When you throw up a shot, it screams nonsense like "BANGIN' UP HIGH THE HANDLE HOMEY BEEF!" Maybe that means that I made the shot or maybe it means "There is a tornado approaching the court, my friends. We should escape and your mother is a whore." I'll never know; the manual doesn't have a translation guide. So if like me, you don't come from whatever hip-hoppin' tough street that speaks this alien language, you have to try to decode "DOWN STREET ON THE FLIPFLOP TIMEPANTS!" on your own.

Graphics: 2/10
White Men Can't Jump's animation is so fucked you wouldn't even call it "choppy." The players in this game seriously look like four cardboard cutouts of basketball-player-shaped peanut butter got glued to the top of remote control cars and then someone peed on them.

Fun: 0/10
This game is so boring it wouldn't be fun if you were somehow playing it while bungee jumping into a Chuck E. Cheese's full of nude ninja girls fighting the Predator.

Blatant Racism: 8/10
Since they're usually targetted at children, things in video games get blown out of proportion by censors and pussies. That's why parent groups protested Mortal Kombat, but never even tried once to burn down the house of the equally violent Steven Seagal. So it's weird that no one cared when White Men Can't Jump the game was released. That's racist as hell. Maybe no one cared since only a handful of the tasteless elite bought it, or maybe because parents were distracted by the more offensive "Asian Women Drive Like Tiny Maniacs" or the Super Nintendo classic, "Fucking Ten-Year-Old Hindu Kids Can't Hold Their Liquor."

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