20: Extreme Sports With the Berenstein Bears

19: Bible Adventure

18: Kriss Kross: Make My Video

17: Bubsy 3D

16: Bad Street Brawler

15: Total Recall

14: Rapjam Volume One


12: Night Trap

11: Heroes of the Lance

10: Revolution X

9: Custer's Revenge

8: White Men Can't Jump

7: Superman 64

6: Legend of Zelda: Wand of Gamelon

5: Virtuoso

4: Captain Novolin

3: Fight For Life

2: Club Drive

1: E.T. The Extraterrestrial

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#10: Revolution X (SNES)

This game is biblically horrific. You're overthrowing an oppressive world order. With Aerosmith. And music is your weapon. That scream of terror you just heard was probably you.

YAKYAKYAK YOOOWWWWW! Music is the weapon! It may sound like a tough metaphor for how your enthusiasm for rock and roll will somehow topple oppression, but it actually means you have to fight an army with a gay-ass gun that shoots CD's.
Using your weapon, music, you'll fight a massive army of soldiers sent by the government to keep you from rocking. And since the artists were lazy, the army is made up entirely of a man in a yellow jacket and his several thousand identical twins. Also due to laziness, they're only animated to fire their guns and die. That means that while you're blowing chunks out of them, they seem have no idea. They don't even flinch. I've never taken three explosive rounds to my crotch, but I don't think I'm being unmanly when I say I'd at least fall down and scream like a bitch.

The game has unlimited continues from the exact point you die, and it's still the most challenging game in the world. Continuing in this game is like electing to keep your hand on the stove. Maybe you're numb to the pain by now, but you're still pretty sure you're doing permanent damage.

Graphics 2/10
There are only about three graphics in the game-- yellow guy, yellow guy not caring when you destroy his genitals, and yellow guy finally falling down. All three of them look a lot like you just shaved Aerosmith's back hair onto the floor of a grimy stadium urinal trough.

Groundbreaking responsiveness: I don't need them to break down crying, but is it too much to ask that the enemies at least notice when I blow a watermelon-sized hole in their balls?
Fun: 0/10
You'll be in some rooms shooting a steady stream of unflinching identical men for ten minutes while the same four seconds of an Aerosmith song loop infinitely. "Feed the Rage! Feed the Rage! Feed the Rage!" That's not a game. That's a Nazi psychological test to see how much it takes for a prisoner's head to pop. This fucking game is the worst second of your life repeated forever, and it will stay with you even after your panicked tears finally make your Super Nintendo short out. Good luck topping Revolution X, Satan.

Basic Concept: 0/10
Say you're living in some nightmare world that requires you to send a commando out to kill the government with a CD launching machine gun. Try to make sure he has more qualifications than "big Aerosmith fan." And if for some reason THAT'S unavoidable, don't put Aerosmith in charge of the mission. Rocking isn't as handy as you might think in a military operation. What I'm really trying to say is that if you have to stretch the limits of your own astonishing stupidity as far as Revolution X to translate Aerosmith into a video game, here's a hint: maybe you just shouldn't be making a god damn game about Aerosmith at all.

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