20: Extreme Sports With the Berenstein Bears

19: Bible Adventure

18: Kriss Kross: Make My Video

17: Bubsy 3D

16: Bad Street Brawler

15: Total Recall

14: Rapjam Volume One


12: Night Trap

11: Heroes of the Lance

10: Revolution X

9: Custer's Revenge

8: White Men Can't Jump

7: Superman 64

6: Legend of Zelda: Wand of Gamelon

5: Virtuoso

4: Captain Novolin

3: Fight For Life

2: Club Drive

1: E.T. The Extraterrestrial

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Above: For years, gamers have demanded that games had more bad actresses lip synching, "You can't escape the Night Trap! Doodoododadoo! Your love is like a Night Trap!" into a broomstick. And whoever those gamers were, I hate you so much. But I do appreciate whoever decided games needed more sluts romping in their nighties (below).

#12: Night Trap (Sega CD)

This was a criminal attempt at making an interactive movie starring Dana Plato (the star of Diff'rent Strokes, several Los Angeles correctional facilities). The gameplay was a test of your blind luck where you randomly switched between the eight cameras in the house hoping there was something to do or watch. Rooms had either teenage girls reciting painful dialogue to each other, lumbering vampires dressed like ninjas, or if you were really lucky, a pile of luggage not trying to act.

For some reason, the girls lived in a house that was full of ridiculous traps, and your job as a highly trained pervert was to peep in on their pillow fights and push a button if a vampire got near a trap in the next room over. Most of the "traps" were just a smoke machine going off and a hole opening up in a wall, and in order for them to work, the victim had to actually decide to walk into them. That means that they're only effective against people who are actively looking to get caught in traps. That's pretty hard to count on until you realize that in the next room, the girls have started taking turns lip synching the theme song to Night Trap. Anyone within earshot of the theme song to Night Trap is going to try to kill themselves. It's the musical equivalent of raking a car alarm down a chalkboard and jamming the entire thing into the asshole of a screaming cat. I don't know who was supposed to enjoy this "movie," but I can guarantee you that the game is a lot better when you switch to the driveway security camera to watch the parked cars.

Graphics: 2/10
The graphics are grainy videos of badly written and worsely overacted scenes. No one starring in this game could get a job as an extra on a Haitian soap opera. I can't say I watched every minute of it and maybe late into a monologue, Dana Plato would have won my heart with a moving performance, but if it didn't look like one of her boobs was going to pop out of her nightie, I'd have already gone to check on the parked cars again.

Fun: 0/10
Night Trap is exactly like switching between eight different channels, only at any time, seven on them are static shots of empty rooms and one is the worst show you've ever seen.

Above: Two professional slumber party lurkers fall for the cleverest of traps: a closet that opens up, launches smoke, waits for you to walk into it, and then... closes!
Controversy: 9/10
Night Trap hurt the video game industry even more than the fucking Atari Jaguar could. When media watchdogs list video games that corrupt our youth, they always name Night Trap as one of Satan's top recruitment devices. It was even taken off the shelf for a period of time because of its graphic violence and girls in nightgowns. Listen, though: even if kids try to emulate it, the graphic violence in Night Trap was so badly performed they couldn't recreate it without laughing so hard the knife falls out of their hands. Parents need to look at the bigger problems. For example, if your kid was dumb enough to buy Night Trap, he has way more wrong with him than the time a video game showed him what panties looked like. Don't get me wrong, there are many, many reasons Night Trap should be against the law, but four or five blood-soaked sorority girl nighties are not any of them.

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