20: Extreme Sports With the Berenstein Bears

19: Bible Adventures

18: Kriss Kross: Make My Video

17: Bubsy 3D

16: Bad Street Brawler

15: Total Recall

14: Rapjam Volume One

13: AIRCARS

12: Night Trap

11: Heroes of the Lance

10: Revolution X

9: Custer's Revenge

8: White Men Can't Jump

7: Superman 64

6: Legend of Zelda: Wand of Gamelon

5: Virtuoso

4: Captain Novolin

3: Fight For Life

2: Club Drive

1: E.T. The Extraterrestrial





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#19: Bible Adventures (NES)


I bet voodoo worshippers don't buy their kids shit like this.
If there's a God, why does He let bad things happen? Or more importantly, why did He let these idiots put His name on this video game? Even Carrot Top can control what his name endorses. Whether our Lord and savior had a hand in Bible Adventures or not, His game blesses us with three terrible adventures to choose from: Noah's Ark, Baby Moses, and David & Goliath. All of them combined the fun of learning about the Bible with the excitement of boring, monotonous wandering.

In Noah's Ark, you play the part of Noah hunting down and subdueing unwilling animals, usually by smashing a vegetable over their head. If you're familiar with the story, God needs you to collect two of each so that you can repopulate the animal kingdom after He DROWNS EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON THE EARTH. The problem you run into is that some of the animals hide. Clearly, the beasts have the devil in them, and after an hour of trying to find where Satan hid my boat's second pony, I gave up. Either God gives me a god damn pony detector or He's just going to have to make some more ponies after he's done killing everybody. Lazy fuck.

In Baby Moses, your job is to carry Baby Moses through the desert. I'm not much of a Bible reader, so I don't know what this story's about. All I know is that every single spider in that fucking desert wants to kill Baby Moses. You can throw the baby at them, but neither he or the spiders get hurt. Baby Moses just bounces a few times and smiles. And it doesn't take more than a couple minutes for the game to degenerate into me throwing Baby Moses into a river, watching him sink, then pretending it was an accident.


God? If you don't want me to feed this baby to fish, strike me with lightninnngg... now. Okay then... sorry, Baby Moses!
This might surprise you if you know anything about babies, but there's no consequence for drowning Baby Moses. You can go back to the beginning of the level and get a new baby any time you want. Your only mission is to get him to the end of the level, but if you beat it without him your only reprimand is, "GOOD WORK! BUT YOU FORGOT BABY MOSES!" That's it. No one screams, "Not only did you fail, you killed Moses 94 times! What's the matter with you!?" So even if you kill Baby Moses, you still feel pretty good about yourself. And I'd like to think that's exactly how Baby Moses would want it while he was sitting on the bottom of the river getting eaten by spiders?

Graphics: 6/10
With the handicap of it being for the Nintendo and being made by Christians, the graphics weren't that bad. But since almost all of your time will be spent throwing Moses into the water and laughing, it doesn't really matter what the rest of the game looks like.

Fun: 1/10
Aside from the baby's lack of buoyancy, there's nothing fun about this game. It might come in handy if you can't juggle the hard life of praying and playing video games at separate times. Otherwise, it's only useful to swear someone into the witness stand. "Please place your right hand in the air, and your left hand on Bible Adventures."

Jesus Power: 8/10
This cartridge is capable of performing small miracles such as multiplying fish, feet washing, and parting the sea. However, it is not to be subjected to extreme temperatures, and should be stored at room temperature in a clean, dry place. Please do not use Bible Adventures as a floatation device or for crime.

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