|
#19: Bible Adventures (NES)
In Noah's Ark, you play the part of Noah hunting down and subdueing unwilling animals, usually by smashing a vegetable over their head. If you're familiar with the story, God needs you to collect two of each so that you can repopulate the animal kingdom after He DROWNS EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON THE EARTH. The problem you run into is that some of the animals hide. Clearly, the beasts have the devil in them, and after an hour of trying to find where Satan hid my boat's second pony, I gave up. Either God gives me a god damn pony detector or He's just going to have to make some more ponies after he's done killing everybody. Lazy fuck. In Baby Moses, your job is to carry Baby Moses through the desert. I'm not much of a Bible reader, so I don't know what this story's about. All I know is that every single spider in that fucking desert wants to kill Baby Moses. You can throw the baby at them, but neither he or the spiders get hurt. Baby Moses just bounces a few times and smiles. And it doesn't take more than a couple minutes for the game to degenerate into me throwing Baby Moses into a river, watching him sink, then pretending it was an accident.
Graphics: 6/10 With the handicap of it being for the Nintendo and being made by Christians, the graphics weren't that bad. But since almost all of your time will be spent throwing Moses into the water and laughing, it doesn't really matter what the rest of the game looks like. Fun: 1/10 Aside from the baby's lack of buoyancy, there's nothing fun about this game. It might come in handy if you can't juggle the hard life of praying and playing video games at separate times. Otherwise, it's only useful to swear someone into the witness stand. "Please place your right hand in the air, and your left hand on Bible Adventures." Jesus Power: 8/10 This cartridge is capable of performing small miracles such as multiplying fish, feet washing, and parting the sea. However, it is not to be subjected to extreme temperatures, and should be stored at room temperature in a clean, dry place. Please do not use Bible Adventures as a floatation device or for crime. Next... |
|